Campustown bars provide something for everyone

As we are the No. 3 party school in the nation, a great responsibility is bestowed upon us: a thriving social calendar. While some of us may love the frat parties with free Keystone galore and sweaty bodies congested in a basement, fortunately, this campus affords us myriad other opportunities — like the bars.

Each bar on campus has a personality, a stereotype that students at the University help to upkeep.

Take Firehaus, for example. Potentially the classiest and cleanest bar on campus, Firehaus helps our ranking because it is a great place to fill up your stomach before a long night of drinking. Though slightly pricey, the signature chips are perfect to soak up that alcohol.

If you’re looking to jump around, fist pump and have ample room to pole dance, The Clybourne is a great choice. It even has a clear glass entry door to the girl’s bathroom. If nothing else, that keeps the guys coming.

Greeks have their outlet at Red Lion and Kam’s, where the button-ups and Sperry’s are endless and the Blue Guys keep coming.

Wannabe singers have a place at the White Horse Inn (possibly more accurately referred to as “White Ho”). After downing some liquid courage, hop on the stage and screech out some good ol’ karaoke. No one will judge you. (Except those vocal majors warming up in the corner.)

Head to It’s Brothers, where the floor is stickier than a honeycomb and signature shots are in abundance. Make sure you get there before you’re too plastered, however, because there’s a daunting staircase that must be attempted to enter. And trust me, no one wants to help you up that. Pick shots ranging from The Chief to a Dirty Girl Scout. And my personal favorite? The Red-Headed Slut.

Campustown bars don’t discriminate against chill upperclassmen who would rather not be told to throw their hands in the air. For those sophisticated students, Murphy’s and Legend’s are the places to go. Open a tab, grab a pitcher, plop yourselves down at a table and plan to stay there until plastic cups litter the table and conversations get loud and slurred.

And the big finale, where everyone seems to end up in the wee hours of the morning: Joe’s Brewery.

Underclassmen especially will flock to Joe’s, where anything is acceptable on the dance floor. After waiting through a painfully long line to get in and paying a $5 cover charge (even if you’re 21 and it’s a weeknight), you weave yourself through the bar area and squeeze through an impossibly narrow corridor. And there awaits a hazy dance floor where the bass is bumping, “U”-stamped hands are waving in the air, and you have to scream into people’s eardrums to have a conversation. But don’t worry — talking isn’t necessary to have a great time at Joe’s. Girls, just wiggle your hips a bit and in no time, some male will come along without warning and attach himself to your behind. From there, if he’s a good match, you can keep on wiggling, but if he’s not, tell him you have a significant other and he’ll ditch you quicker than he came. Sometimes (OK, most of the time), wiggling turns into more. Maybe you’ll start macking on said stranger, but if you’ve really got a winner, you’ll get a good make-out session and a full-body frisk. No matter if people are watching though because, after all, it’s Joe’s and we’re in college, right? It’s completely acceptable behavior.

When 2 a.m. strikes, the lights come on and everyone’s true identity is revealed. Sweat-drenched bodies and makeup-smudged faces shuffle toward the exit.

Girls tug down their skirts while guys try to entice them to continue the night at Fat Sandwich, or those who want to cut to the chase boldly proclaim, “Maybe we could go back to my place?”

Whatever your post-bar decision is, whether you make it to a trash can to empty the contents of your stomach or wherever you wake up in the morning, you will have made the University proud. We strive to surpass No. 2 University of California-Santa Barbara and boost our ranking to replace No. 1 University of Iowa. Thank you, Campustown bars, for your unique personalities that provide something for everyone. And where we can forget about everything in the morning.

Kirsten is a junior in Media. She can be reached at [email protected]