6 things Tatyana McFadden could beat in a race

Tatyana McFadden is unstoppable. She’s one of the fastest wheelchair racers in the world — and one of the fastest athletes in the world.

On Sunday, she became the first woman to win three of the major marathons in a row: Boston, London and now Chicago. She could make the grand slam in New York on Nov. 3. 

Like we said: unstoppable. Fast. Faster than the return of the Alma Mater — which, by that standard, isn’t that quick, really. 

Tatyana McFadden, senior in ACES, is faster than all of the things on this not-so definitive list of really fast things:

1. Freshmen running away from a busted party on a Friday night

A first bout with alcohol has a funny way of livening an 18-year-old’s step. Toss in some sirens and yelling police officers, and even a gazelle would face some stiff competition. No matter, McFadden would still be faster. (We couldn’t conclusively determine if she’d be faster than underage drinkers sprinting from a party on Unofficial, however.)

2. KAM’S filling up on Tuesdays for Country Night

Toby Keith’s and Tim McGraw’s honky-tonk tunes rope in youngins faster than a cowgirl can yell, “Yeehaw!” The Daniel Street bar fills up quickly, but McFadden is quicker. Arguably, she has an advantage: Anyone at KAM’S will be slowed because of the sticky floors. 

3. Girls running toward their new houses on Bid Day

This may be the toughest competition yet, because these girls are speedy. Girls run from the Quad faster than the screams of joy erupt and the streams of tears flow, but they are still no match for the Mighty McFadden. 

4. The parking enforcement staff for both Champaign and Urbana

You think to yourself, “I’ll just leave my car parked here for less than a minute without paying: I’ll be fine.” Nope. You come back to find four tickets plastered to the windshield. They are swift folks. That is, until you put them up against McFadden. She could ticket all of the cars in both cities before the parking enforcement staff could write even one. She could do it, but we beg that she doesn’t. Please. 

5. Jimmy John’s delivery

Headquartered in Champaign, its “freaky fast” delivery has yet to be matched by the fast-food industry (and it’s certainly faster than the line at Chipotle on Green Street). McFadden would definitely win. Likely, the Jimmy John’s delivery dude would slip on some mayo or something.

6. Tyler Griffey’s buzzer-beater to take down Indiana last February

We were initially reluctant to write this one because both McFadden and Griffey are fast sons-of-guns. Griffey won the game for the Illini 74-72 with one second left and McFadden won the Chicago Marathon by three seconds. This apples-to-oranges comparison made it tricky for us to calculate who would win. In the end, we had to give it to McFadden.

McFadden is faster than anything on campus, or anything we can think of. We wish you the best of luck in New York.

Editor’s note: A previous version of this article incorrectly stated that Jimmy John’s was founded and headquartered in Champaign. Jimmy John’s is headquartered in Champaign. The Daily Illini regrets the error.