Do’s and Don't’s of Unofficial
March 5, 2015
Have an escape plan
True story: Last Unofficial, my friend was at an apartment party drinking on the balcony when the cops showed up. The apartment was on the third floor, so you would expect this to be game over for him, right? Wrong. In a blaze of drunken glory (as if there were any other kind), he climbed over the railing and dropped down to the balcony directly below him, successfully evading law enforcement. I am not saying you should play Spiderman on Unofficial — just, you know, have an exit strategy in case the heat comes down.
Odds are, you’re going to break at least a couple laws on Unofficial. And if you’re a criminal, you don’t need a criminal attorney, you need a criminal attorney (“Breaking Bad” reference). Seriously though, if you end up in a courtroom over Friday’s shenanigans, a lawyer with questionable morality that knows how to exploit more than a few loopholes is exactly what you need.
Set your alarm
Unlike most Fridays, Unofficial is not meant to begin at the crack of noon. Realistically, 10 percent of the campus is already six drinks deep by 10 a.m., and the only alcohol you’ve had so far was Listerine. Now you’re playing catch-up with your friends, which, let’s face it, is not going to end well for you.
Get drunk food
I’m a Papa D’s fan myself, but there’s really no shortage of options here. The obscene amount of drunk food we have on campus is one of the top reasons why I love this school, right under “Unofficial.” Stumbling into the first building you see on Green Street might actually play out pretty well for you.
Seriously, if this is news to you, you’re not living under a rock, you’re living in your parents’ basement. And if you’re not wearing green to show everyone how “rebellious” you are or whatever; you’re not clever, you’re just incredibly, incredibly annoying. You might actually be the reason for global warming.
Bring your flask
If alcoholic ninjas were ever a thing (they probably were) they would definitely drink out of a flask. Your 10 a.m. exam on Unofficial just got a whole lot more bearable.
You’ll be amazed at how quickly a 15 to 20 minute nap can sober you up. Granted, “sobriety” is a pretty relative term on Unofficial. But hey, you can drink more now, hooray!
Commit a felony
… just because, “IT’S UNOFFICIAL MAN, WOOOO!” Listen, just because you’re surrounded by people who (allegedly) know how to successfully break the law doesn’t mean that you’ll be able to pull it off.
Be from another university
Because you’ll probably get arrested or need a new liver. This is the University of Illinois; if you don’t go here, you will never be able to hang with us. Yes, that includes you people from the University of Iowa. We don’t care that you “totally party harder than everyone else.” You live in Iowa, drinking is all you have.
Go to your public speaking class
You know that uncle you have that goes on drunken and overtly-racist rants about Obama at Thanksgiving? That’s you now — C+ material at best.
Send your ex a drunk text
Despite your blacked-out logic, you probably aren’t as eloquent with your text messages as you think you are. No man, I don’t think Jessica is going to respond well to “Wanna bang?”
… Wait, she just texted you? You say she screenshotted your texts and sent them to everyone you know? Yeah, sounds about right.
Go home for the weekend
Your mom’s casserole doesn’t really stand up to Jäger bombs.
Ever stop the rave!
Take a 15 minute nap and get back in there soldier. Those pulls of Jameson you’re taking? Those are for America. Or Ireland?
Carry an open container
Another no-brainer here. You already painted a target on the back of your head when you decided to stagger around from party to party shouting “I’M SO DRUNK!” at anyone you think will listen, so why give the police any more reasons to arrest you? And no, drinking out of a paper bag does not really work.
A ticket for open container in Champaign: $185. A ticket for open container in Urbana: $165. A video of your arrest hitting 500,000 views on YouTube: priceless.
Josh is a junior in LAS.