If you work in retail, you’re well aware that the most dreaded time of year is finally here. Say goodbye to Billboard’s Hot 100 for a few weeks and hello to holiday music galore!

Covers, originals, you name it — few are good. The onslaught of songs that all sound the same never ends, and might have already been going for months if you start celebrating the holiday season in early November.

Listed in no particular order, your buzz editor has dug into the depths of the internet for some of the most hilariously bad attempts at holiday hits. Whether it be a holiday classic, a washed-up musician’s cash grab attempt or a known artist trying a musical path they should’ve steered clear of, we have it all.

So, if you feel your holiday gathering with your extended family is dragging on a bit too long, turn up your speaker, put on this playlist and watch your relatives head for the door. You’re welcome. 

“Funky, Funky, Xmas” New Kids On The Block

The American boy band ironically starts the song by saying, “It’s boring, it’s boring, same thing every year” and proceeds to present a mind-numbingly repetitive track. The goal of having a “funky Christmas” isn’t met past the first 30 seconds.

After about a minute, the song is ready to be over but manages to chug on for four more. Hearing “Have a funky funky Christmas” repeated over and over grows old fast, and the assorted rap solos across the track are too bad to give a second listen.

The song’s percussion line is certainly doing … something! New Kids On The Block toe the line between funk and noise, particularly with Donnie Wahlberg’s drum solo just past the 2:30 mark. 

New Kids On The Block deserves some credit for attempting a Christmas original, but at the end of the day, the band belongs on the list of musical acts who went for a holiday album when they probably should’ve stuck to their strengths. 

“Naughty List (with Dixie)” Liam Payne and Dixie D’Amelio

Arguably the least popular former member of One Direction in the modern day, Payne’s claims of having the most successful solo career of all the boys tanked the second he turned to making Christmas songs with TikTok stars.

D’Amelio’s collaboration with Payne was unprecedented, to say the least, but maybe more of us should have seen it coming. The song clearly exists for two purposes: to push D’Amelio further up in the music world while also getting Payne back into the younger generation’s music rotation.

Quality holiday songs usually don’t come out of a quest for clout — and “Naughty List (with Dixie)” is no exception. The bland music combined with the generic cliches brings nothing special to the table, and the eight-year age gap between the singers alongside lyrics like “we were supposed to take it slow” gives a weird feeling to the song.

Boring at absolute best, “Naughty List (with Dixie)” was a single no one wanted or needed. The excessive promotion of the song wasn’t enough to boost its quality, leaving it a very skippable track. 

“Do They Know It’s Christmas?” Band Aid

I hate to put a charity song on this list, I really do. But considering the tone-deafness of “Do They Know It’s Christmas?,” I’ll make an exception. 

Written by Bob Geldof and Midge Ure in 1984, the song intended to assemble a group of popular English musicians to record a track raising funds and awareness for the ongoing famine in Ethiopia.

New Musical Express described the song upon its release as a “rotten record” written for “the right reasons,” which sums things up well. Despite the good intentions of the track, the generalization of African culture and stereotyping of an entire continent doesn’t sit well.

Lyrics such as “the only water flowing/ is the bitter sting of tears” and “thank God it’s them instead of you,” along with the white savior complex echoed in the repeated lyrics “let them know it’s Christmas time again” leave a bad taste in the mouth to say the least.

Geldof was able to take some accountability as he admitted the song is one of “the worst songs in history.” “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” serves as one of many reminders that celebrity figures should probably sit and think for a minute before they try saving the world.  

“White Christmas” Iggy Pop

To lighten the mood slightly, Iggy Pop presents possibly the worst take on a Christmas classic you will ever hear. It takes all of two seconds of the punk singer’s cover of “White Christmas” for you to know exactly how awful this song is going to sound.

The harsh and discordant piano is a perfect introduction to the horribly mixed track. Iggy Pop’s low growl fights with the backing band and occasional barking dog as he plows through the Irving Berlin original.

Halfway through the track, the punk singer starts narrating over the assorted commotion, leaving the “mute” option looking more appealing than ever. If you do brave it to the end of the song, I tip my Santa hat to you. 

“The Christmas Shoes” NewSong

Christian band NewSong may have created one of the most absolutely dreadful songs of the holiday season with this one. The track may be a bit more heartfelt if it were about something other than, well, shoes.

“The Christmas Shoes” tells the story of a young boy trying to buy a new pair of shoes for his dying mother on Christmas Eve. When our singer lays down the cash to pay for the gift, he connects the interaction to a reminder from God that Christmas is truly the season of giving to others.

Meant to be an emotional story, the song loses a bit — or maybe all — of that magical Christmas sparkle in its execution. The song is barely five minutes but feels like a marathon as the message is repeated over and over by NewSong, then a full children’s choir, and yet again with a young soloist.

Too long and too tacky to handle, “The Christmas Shoes” can easily be left off your holiday playlist this year. If you happen to see a kid in line at the store scraping up pennies to buy a pair of shoes for a dying family member, feel free to pitch in — the songwriting about how you did such a good deed can be optional.  

“The Little Drummer Boy” Jessica Simpson ft. Ashlee Simpson

Taking the crown of Rolling Stone’s “Worst Christmas Song of All Time” in 2021 is “The Little Drummer Boy,” and upon giving it a listen, it takes about 30 seconds to realize why.

“The Little Drummer Boy” has many iconic bad covers, including but not limited to those by Justin Bieber and Pentatonix, but this one takes the cake. The overly dramatic orchestral music combined with drum hits between the lines is comedy gold.

Hearing someone sing “pa rum pum pum pum” with as much emotion and passion as the Simpson sisters never gets old. For extra comedic effect, feel free to watch the 2004 live performance of the song here.

Touching as it is to see a sisterly cover of a Christmas classic, the horrendous song and performance of it somewhat take the charm away. With full love to all artists who have attempted covers of this song, please choose anything else to sing this holiday season. 

“Baby It’s Cold Outside” John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John

Of course, this list would be incomplete without a nod to arguably the creepiest of holiday songs. The first track on Travolta and Newton-John’s joint 2012 album “This Christmas,” the gender-swapped take on the original doesn’t lessen the weird feeling one gets from this classic.

Travolta and Newton-John undoubtedly tried to avoid the issues with the song with the switching of parts, but Travolta’s intentional reluctance in his singing makes things worse anyway. 

The “Grease” co-stars lay it on extremely thick, making the listener feel like an awkward third wheel despite not even being able to see what’s happening. If anything, the two prove that there just isn’t a way to succeed with this song. 

“12 Days Of Christmas” Pentatonix

I know I’ve complained about repetition to no end already, but come on, you knew it was coming with this one. This is obviously not unique to Pentatonix’s take on “12 Days Of Christmas,” but the switch-up in genre between each segment of the song is.

When the autotune hits on the eighth day of Christmas, you just have to stop the music. Ranked at number 90 in our definitive ranking of all 91 Pentatonix Christmas songs, the song just tries to do too much. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s impressive how much Pentatonix can do completely acapella. But just because they can do everything, doesn’t necessarily mean that they should. 

The song is an adventure — you have absolutely no clue what weird twist is coming on the next day. You don’t necessarily have to find out. 

“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” Elmo & Patsy

A personal least favorite of mine. Possibly the worst way for Santa to confirm his existence is by killing your grandmother. 

The dark Christmas tune’s fake jaunty melody is just … bad. Polled last year as one of the top two most hated Christmas songs, “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” doesn’t need an awful cover to make this list — the original is bad enough.

Though the song’s cheery sound implies that it’s intended as a joke, Grandpa’s complete disregard for his wife’s death doesn’t bring much to the “family spirit” of Christmas time.

The ’70s track has not held up over almost five decades, as a song like this released today would likely not make the impression it did back then. Luckily, this same thought seems to have crossed everyone’s minds as the song has not been frequently covered. Let’s keep it that way!

“Must Be Santa” Bob Dylan

Ah, Bob Dylan. Why did you ever attempt a Christmas song? The tune falls into the category of Christmas tracks no one asked for or particularly wanted — but we got it anyway!

Dylan’s chaotic holiday tune comes from his 2009 album “Christmas In The Heart,” which presents 15 Christmas covers by the singer-songwriter. “Must Be Santa” in particular is complete with all the bad Christmas song staples, including but not limited to discordant “oh-oh-oh-ohs” in the bridge as well as listing former U.S. presidents in place of reindeer.

The song feels like that moment when you’re driving home for the holidays and your car’s tires skid on some ice, sending you sliding and swerving into the nearest driveway — or maybe a ditch. 

With a great cymbal crash just like those heard in “Must Be Santa,” you somehow slide to safety, slightly shaken up from all the chaos. The jaunty tune is bad, but also a little humorous. It’s undoubtedly a fun way to close out our list of holiday music horrors.

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