For as long as man has stared in slack-jawed horror at the silver screen’s greatest monsters, he has pondered theoretical questions, like whether the Wolf Man could “totally kick Nosferatu’s butt.” (He could.) Today, those dream matchups finally and inarguably reach their conclusions. Below, we examine old-school classic movie monsters, versus the new denizens of the damned.

Dracula vs. Michael Myers:

This one is a no-contest. Michael Myers, silent and menacing as he may appear, has little ability to take on any of the centuries-old children of the night. Unless Myers manages to stake him right through the heart, this round clearly goes to Dracula.

The Mummy vs. Freddy Krueger:

Like a shambling pile of bandages was really ever a threat to anyone anyway. Krueger’s knife-fingers would make short work of the embalmed adversary. Another victory for the newer breed of movie monsters.

Norman Bates vs. Hannibal Lector:

A battle of movie psychos. Ultimately, Bates’ matriarchal dependency issues cripple him at inopportune times, allowing Lector to move in during the 12th round and bite off an ear. Victory, Lector. Nobody said that these fights were fair.

Final scores: The new breed of movie monsters edges the old in a 2-1 contest. Check back next week when we settle the age-old debate of Sasquatch vs. Yeti. Two furry missing links enter. One leaves!