The other night I was drifting off to sleep and had one of those moments when your brain is still oddly active, but you’re not really conscious and so you think absurd, detached thoughts like, “Well the winged monkey would be an excellent outfielder because he can fly.” Basically, stuff that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Side note – I’m convinced that Dr. Seuss wrote down everything he was thinking in this strange state, and thus we have things like the Lorax with his truffula trees. But the random thought I had the other night was after my brain combined episodes of three shows – The Soup, The Hills, and Tyra, and came up with, “Tyra Banks is a romantipuss.”

Luckily, I woke up right after this thought, which made me remember it and then think, what if “Speidi” and Tyra were constantly together… no…what if they lived together and had their lives taped along with other reality TV stars? How brilliant would that show be!

Then I came up with a list of reality TV personalities that would be perfect for this combined, super-reality show.

First we have Tyra, along with Heidi and Spencer, “Speidi,” from The Hills, who started this whole thing. Tyra is in because she is crazy and no matter what happened on the show, she would somehow make it all about her. Speidi, because Heidi is a huge airhead, and Spencer is an evil genius. They may be the worst couple ever.

Then I would put Jade from America’s Next Top Model on to wander around, waxing poetically about her perfect proportions and all-around “fantabulosity” (her “word,” not mine). I’m also going to add Justin Bobby from The Hills, just to see how he interacts with Jade, seeing as neither of them have even a basic grasp of English.

Then Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul can come in and judge everyone with that angry British man/ off-her-rocker, drunk girl bit they’ve perfected over the years. I’m also adding Paris Hilton and Mystery the Pick-up Artist.

How are they all going to get along? Here’s what I see happening.

Tyra arrives at the house from a long, hard day of blending in with society in an “illegal Mexican immigrant suit,” to see what it’s like. She announces to the empty room, “Everyone was just so nice to me and tried to help me when they saw that I didn’t speak English, and I had to be poor for like three whole hours, and I just can’t believe this happened to me! I wonder how I would’ve been treated as a fat Mexican immigrant?”

Meanwhile, Jade is talking to Justin Bobby. “You see, I told them, ‘Hey I’m Jade. I’m Jadelicious. With me, don’t judge a book by its cover because what you see is what you get. And do you know what gendra of book I am most like? Shakespeare.'”

Justin Bobby: “Yes (mumble mumble mumble). Justin Bobby.”

Upstairs, the two romantipusses are together. Spencer looks into the mirror and whispers, “Grow, grow my pretty. Who has the prettiest, flesh-colored beard around?”

Heidi decides she’s waited long enough and elbows Spencer out of the way. It is time for her to reapply her makeup. After taking out her mini-trowel and face-spackle, she turns to Spencer and asks, “We just got married. Now what? How are we going to keep the press interested in us?” He answers, “First we will beat Paris, Tyra and Jade in the Karaoke contest tonight. Then we’ll get pregnant. With quadruplets.” He throws his head back and laughs maniacally.

Later that night, Heidi, Paris, Tyra and Jade have finished singing. Simon and Paula are judging them.

Simon: “I don’t know why any of you think you can sing. Just because you are on TV does not give you the ability. And Jade, I didn’t think it was possible after Heidi, but you are the worst singer I have ever heard. Simply dreadful. If I were you, I would shut myself in a room and never come out again. Well, Cheerio! I’m off to the loo. Which way is the lift?”

Paula: “Oh don’t mind Simon, he’s just an angry old whiffenpoof. I think we all should just get along like the leprechauns who live in my sock drawer and eat cookies baked with sunshine and rainbows!”

Meanwhile, Mystery has sidled onto the stage wearing ski goggles and what appears to be a tribal Indian vest under a floor length leather trench coat. He presses his hand to his ear and seems to believe he is talking on a two-way radio. “Target acquired. I will go sexual on Paris Hilton in five, four, three, two….”

Paris: “Yeah. I am so hot.”

Meanwhile, Spencer has drugged the cameramen and has been filming Heidi rolling around on stage in a bikini for the past 15 minutes. Now no one else will get any screen time. Muahahahaha!

Colleen is a Senior in media and her brain sometimes behaves as if it is on crack. It is not actually on crack. She can be reached at [email protected].