I’ve always secretly thought that I had what it takes to be a competitive eater. I like to eat, and I can do it pretty quickly. Recently, I completed a little exercise based on the Travel Channel’s “Man v. Food” to see if my theory had any merit. I tried some of the eating challenges at some of Champaign’s finest restaurants. Here’s how it went:

h2. Big Mouth’s: Farley Burger

Food: four 1/3-pound hamburger patties, cheddar cheese and a full order of fries between the buns

Time: 2 minutes and 15 seconds

I was confident when I walked into Big Mouth’s to do my first challenge. I knew that I only had 2 minutes and 15 seconds to do it, but I figured since I had skipped lunch and came straight from the ARC, it would be easy. I started to doubt myself when I asked Big Mouth’s employee, Jason Dockins, how many people have completed the challenge.

“Most people just fail,” Dockins told me, not even trying to sugarcoat it.

I asked Dockins if he’d ever done the challenge. His “No!” told me that I had just asked a completely absurd question. “I just think it’s ridiculous,” he added.

He’s right. The burger is so big that Big Mouth’s has to serve it on a sheet of wax paper because a normal basket can’t handle it.

When I picked the burger up, it barely fit in my hands. I took my first bite, and the challenge was on. The two minutes passed by in a blur of chewing and swallowing with my friends shouting advice that I didn’t have time to process. I still had 1/3 left when Dockins told me time was up. My friends said it was their fault for distracting me, but they were just being nice.

_Man 0, Food 1._

h2. Joe’s Brewery: The Big Joe

Food: two 1-pound patties, six slices of cheese, four toppings and curly fries

Time: 20 minutes

My waitress was Brittany Read, sophomore in Media. Her eyes grew by three sizes when I ordered the Big Joe.

“You’re going to try it?” Read said, making sure she’d heard me correctly.

The Farley Burger is nothing compared to this. For a few seconds I wondered why there was a knife stuck in the middle — until I realized it was to keep the burger from falling apart.

The burger was in the middle of a plate that would better suit a pizza. The rest of the plate was filled with fries.

I tried to work out a system, so I wouldn’t get sick of any of the food: I’d take one bit of the burger and then three bites of fries. Things went pretty well — for awhile. There was a giant stopwatch that Read put on my table to track the time. When the clock said 10 minutes, I was about halfway done.

Then I hit the wall. Every single bite was a struggle. All the food started tasting the same.

When I hit the 7-minute mark, I couldn’t imagine myself eating anything ever again. It was time to throw in the towel.

“No one can do it,” Read reassured me.

_Man 0, Food 2._

h2. Illini Inn: Mug Club

Chug one 16-ounce beer, no time limit

I admit, I chickened out after the Big Joe’s debacle. I had one more food-based challenge lined up at Beef Stand — but I didn’t want to fail another challenge. So, I decided to try something I knew I could do. To join the Mug Club all you have to do is chug a beer, but I use the word “chug” loosely, since you can take as long as you want to finish it. Before you start drinking the beer, you have to fill out your “Mug Club Card.” Written on that card is your number, and if you can remember that number after you finish your beer, you get a second beer on the house.

“It’s not that hard, it’s more about tradition,” said Illini Inn bartender David Didier, senior in ACES. “I’d have to work door during football games, and I’d have alumni demanding that I let them in because they’re in the Mug Club. … A lot of seniors have been doing it lately because it’s on their senior bucket list.”

I drank my beer slow and steady, and I finished in about a minute. I struggled to remember my number for a bit (I’m bad with numbers), but overall it was a piece of cake. Didier rang a bell and announced that the Mug Club had a new member.

The Mug Club may not be much of a challenge, but I think it was a much better way to spend an hour of my precious free time than attempting the Farley Burger or the Big Joe challenge.

Man 1, Food 2.