Let’s get one thing out of the way — if you saw this quiz and its contents piqued your interest, signs are already pointing to yes.
This quiz is a fun and silly exploration of queer culture on campus. We are aware that no material item can determine someone’s sexuality, but it sure is fun to pretend that it does.
Keep track of your points for the end!
A = 1
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B = 2
C = 3
D = 4
1. Why are you taking this quiz?
A) I stumbled upon this quiz while reading my favorite independent student-run newspaper, The Daily Illini.
B) I love quizzes and want to learn more about myself!
C) The dusty corridors of my psyche yearn for answers. I’m not sure why.
D) I think I might be gay, and I only trust The DI to tell me so.
2. Where do you go for a fun café beverage on campus?
A) Starbucks.
B) Espresso Royale.
C) Brewlab.
D) Caffe Paradiso.
3. On a Friday night, where can you be found?
A) Illini Pubcycle.
B) At the bars.
C) Consuming media at home with warm lighting.
D) Deep in Urbana at a house show/house party.
4. When you walked past Victoria’s Secret as a child in your local mall, how did you react?
A) I didn’t really react.
B) I observed the treasures.
C) I started sweating profusely and turned my attention away.
D) I looked away and made it a big deal. Even covered my eyes!
5. Circa 2014-2016, which YouTube influencers were you most likely to watch?
A) Zoella/SevenSuperGirls/Smosh.
B) PewDiePie/Jacksepticeye/Markiplier.
C) Good Mythical Morning/stampylonghead/MatPat.
D) Dan and Phil/Connor Franta/Troye Sivan.
6. How many houseplants do you currently own?
A) I don’t own any houseplants.
B) I have some succulents!
C) I have a few houseplants and love them!
D) My apartment is a jungle.
7. What type of car would you drive?
A) A(n ugly) Cybertruck.
B) Some form of Jeep.
C) A(n adorable) Prius.
D) I do not drive/I prefer not to drive.
8. What shenanigans did you get up to in high school?
A) Model UN/Debate Club.
B) I was an athlete.
C) Yearbook/Newspaper.
D) I have a checkered past as a theater/band/choir/art kid.
BONUS: If you played softball or ran cross country, add FOUR points to your end total.
9. What is your favorite musical?
A) I am not a huge fan of musicals.
B) “Hamilton”/“Wicked”/“Hadestown.”
C) “Les Misérables”/“Falsettos”/“Cabaret.”
D) “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.”
10. How often do you question your sexuality?
A) Pretty much never.
B) Only when I see a really hot queer person.
C) Every few weeks, something throws me into a spiral.
D) Every day, I wonder if I should kiss members of the same sex.
My score: ____/40 points
10-15: STRAIGHTY-STRAIGHT-STRAIGHT. Go listen to “212” by Azealia Banks to culture yourself.
15-20: Your pinky has nail polish, but that’s it.
20-25: You have a cool wardrobe and appreciate the arts. Sexuality is a spectrum, so who knows?
25-30: You might have dyed hair. Let’s do some soul-searching!
30-35: You are queer in some capacity. You might be in the closet and asking a lot of strange questions to yourself late at night. Seek advice.
35 and above: There is a high probability that you are very gay! Additionally, if you are single and looking for a partner, our editorial board’s contact information is on our website!
