Consensual non-monogamy refers to a style of relationship where all partners consent to having romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people. An estimated 3% to 7% of North Americans are currently in a CNM relationship, according to a 2017 meta-analysis published in “Current Sexual Health Reports.”
According to Maggie Palmiero, graduate student studying psychology, CNM is consistently confused with unethical non-monogamous practices — what many refer to as “cheating.” The distinction between the two is essential.
“Non-monogamous is not an identity,” Palmiero said. “(The label) is most frequently used by people who are not practicing ethical non-monogamy, but instead by people who are trying to have a non-monogamous relationship with a partner or partners who are not interested in non-monogamy.”
Rather than a term that people identify with, “non-monogamous” describes a relationship. These relationships do not exist in a vacuum, either. Someone who engages in a monogamous relationship at one point in their life may choose to be in a CNM relationship at another point.
“It’s more beneficial to me to allow myself to grow, rather than confine myself to whatever type of relationship Western media has decided relationships are supposed to look like,” said a student in LAS who opted to have their name remain confidential. “It’s not about which is better for onlookers; it’s about being true to myself.”
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Not only is non-monogamy on the rise, but some research suggests monogamy is not as common in humans as one might think, and non-monogamous relationships can have benefits.
A 2005 study used an evolutionary perspective across cultures and found that people have not evolved solely for long-term mating, and non-monogamous mating patterns could be the preferred sexual strategy in humans.
This is not only true for humans, as non-human animals also engage in a diverse selection of different types of mating systems.
“The key thing to realize is that the egg, by definition, has the capacity to build an organism,” said Justin Rhodes, professor in LAS. “That means that an egg takes lots of energy. But a sperm is tiny; it really has just DNA. So herein lies the beginning of the asymmetry.”
Rhodes suggests that, biologically, it makes more sense that animals engage in polygynous behaviors, in which a male animal has more than one female mate. This is because it takes far less energy for males to reproduce than females due to the energy an egg requires.
Alison Bell, professor in LAS, said there are various hypotheses about why non-monogamous relationships occur in nature.
“There are a lot of ideas, and there are probably multiple reasons why, let’s say, a given species might exhibit a monogamous versus polygynous mating system, for example,” Bell said. “One basic idea is that monogamy might be favored when it’s really hard to find a mate.”
Some other hypotheses include monogamy evolving due to the demands of parental care and the likelihood of reproductive success.
Like humans, many non-human animals thrive simply from having bonds with other individuals unrelated to sex.
“There are other reasons why individuals might come together and even form bonds with one another that are independent of sex,” Bell said. “Maybe they have cooperative defense or cooperative food finding or something like that — there are lots of benefits of being in a social group and even being bonded to other individuals that don’t necessarily have to do with sex.”
All of this raises the question: If non-monogamy is so common in nature and seems to be preferred by many people throughout history, why is there a stigma around non-monogamous relationships?
The answer to this question, like many, is not simple. Some suggest the reason may be due to perceptions of CNM relationships being sexually risky or unnatural. This is called the “halo effect” — a cognitive bias that makes certain ideas seem more positive than alternatives.
Whether this stigma is conscious or not, many people in CNM relationships perceive this stigma. Sometimes, it can be as simple as receiving only a plus-one at an event.
The important part of decreasing this stigma is education and making conversations about non-monogamy more common. Finding community, being honest, and being yourself are at the forefront of these kinds of conversations.
“Not for everyone, but for some people who are nervous about their relationship structure or to talk about it, it might not go as badly as you might imagine,” Palmiero said. “I would always say, do whatever you want and radically accept the consequences.”
