On Saturday night, I witnessed technology destroying humanity’s fleeting shreds of common courtesy. It happened in theater 14 at the 9:50 p.m. showing of Constantine. Sitting in one of the front rows – imagine that, a theater filled with people watching a movie starring Keanu Reeves – I’m adjusting my neck to the awkward angle when I hear conversation. Not just any conversation, but cellular conversation.

That’s right. The woman two rows in front of me is talking on her cell phone. As if her crying child wasn’t annoying enough throughout the movie, she decides that now would be the best time to use the two-way walkie-talkie feature on her phone. This debacle continued even after shouts of “Hey! Turn off your cell phone!” and a guy walking over demanding she turn off her phone or leave.

And really, what can you do?

You can’t take their phone or resort to physical violence unless you want to face assault, battery and destruction of private property charges. It seems that for decent, considerate and upstanding citizens in this nation, we have no choice but to “take it up with theater management” and by that time, this cockroach of society has already managed to ruin this Keanu flick. And that is no small feat.

So, what can you, me and other kindly folk do to combat this terrible menace?

One idea is to follow the lead of the French – gasp – and start using cell phone jammers. Last October, the French Industry Minister Patrick Devedjian approved a new policy that allowed for cell phone jammers to be installed in cinemas. Now that’s some progressive thinking I wouldn’t mind seeing mirrored here in the United States.

In case you’re wondering how jamming works – something I wanted to know since watching Luke Skywalker jam the comlinks of the scoutroopers on the sactuary moon of Endor in Return of the Jedi – it is really quite a simple idea. Mobile phones use a spectrum from approximately 800 to 1,900 megahertz. A jamming device simply broadcasts a signal along the same electromagnetic range and any devices in the area are instantly “dead zoned.”

Getting your own personal “mute” button for the degenerates of a cellular society is possible if you’re so motivated. U.S. citizens can take matters into their own hands thanks to a few James Bond types overseas in the United Kingdom. Her Majesty’s Secret Service has them available for around $320 plus shipping, and they are even disguised to look just like an ordinary cell phone. Just know that importing such devices is illegal in the United States.

That’s right, the Federal Communications Commission isn’t too supportive of the idea. According to the Communications Act of 1934 “manufacture, importation, sale or offer for sale, including advertising, of devices designed to block or jam wireless transmissions is prohibited” and a single violation could result in a $11,000 fine.

Too bad there isn’t a law that punishes people who violate the social contract in the movie theater. Come on, Uncle Sam! Let’s start allowing the legal usage of cell jammers where people could really use some quiet.

But the position the FCC takes is very understandable. After all, the jamming of cell phones is an action that violates a person’s right to freely communicate across commercially licensed airwaves, which the FCC sees the need to protect.

Boy, I just can’t wait to go to the movies.