Last week, the Republicans issued U.S. citizens a call to arms. President Bush & co. brought out the big guns and inflicted maximum damage. Who else could turn the hearts of good, old-fashioned Americans than the actor who played a time-traveling robot, Arnold Schwarzenegger?

A part of my liberal-leaning heart softened while listening to Gov. Schwarzenegger’s speech. As I listened to the intoxicating remnants of the accent that made him famous, conservative ideologies swooned from the TV screen. For a few moments, the rich and idealistic took their drug of choice: conservatism.

My eyes locked into a glossy gaze. Arnold made one thing clear to my feeble, easily-swayed mind:

I am a Republican.

Such an admittance caused my arms to itch with treason, but the bodybuilder made such a convincing argument. He mentioned a few key conservative views that realigned my political leanings:

“If you believe that the government should be accountable to the people, not the people to the government, then you are a Republican.”

Then I must be a Republican. Meanwhile, the Bush administration also should be held accountable for faulty intelligence regarding the invasion of Iraq and their improper handling of terrorism warnings prior to the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks.

“If you believe you should be treated as an individual, not as a member of an interest group, then you are a Republican.”

Then I am a Republican. Although Republicans should close loopholes that allow for special-interest groups to finance national campaigns. The local host committee in New York, for example, was able to collect more than $60 million from special-interest groups at the GOP convention.

“If you believe your family knows how to spend your money better than the government does, then you are a Republican.”

Then I am a Republican, too. Yet discretionary spending, annually appropriated by Congress, has gone up 31.5 percent since Bush took office. Compare this with Clinton’s 3.4 percent annual average over eight years.

“If you believe our educational system should be held accountable for the progress of our children, then you are a Republican.”

Then I am a Republican. After all, the diverse and socially complex situation of local communities is best understood by big government. Instead of leaving the teaching to parents and educators, bureaucrats know best when it comes to appropriating funds and making policies regarding our children’s education.

“If you believe that this country, not the United Nations, is the best hope of democracy in the world, then you are a Republican.”

Then I am a Republican. We should leave the United Nations, give France back the Statue of Liberty, invade the rest of the Middle East, pick on Canada and dare the rest of the world to try to stop us. Sometimes, you just have to tell the rest of the world to “stow it” and let our military do the talking.

“Now they say India and China are overtaking us. Don’t you believe it!”

I won’t believe it. Even if the CIA’s World Factbook tells me both India and China’s GDP real-growth rate tripled the United States’ in 2003, I will keep living this conservative dream. I’ll cling to the fantasy that we are still number one. I definitely will not be an economic “girlie man.”

“We may have hit a few bumps, but America always moves ahead!”

After hitting the bump of the Bush administration for the past three-and-a-half years, maybe I should move ahead. Maybe I should get off the drug that is the conservative dream and look at the nightmare surrounding me.

But looking back, if Gov. Schwarzenegger’s criteria to be a Republican is correct, then those who fill the ranks of the GOP have conflicting practices and ideals. And if being a Republican means sharing political opinions laced in hypocrisy, perhaps I am not a Republican after all.

Kiyoshi Martinez is a junior in journalism. His column runs Tuesdays. He can be reached at [email protected].