Anybody who watched the Republican National Convention (or at least The Daily Show) can tell you it is hard to be a politician these days. The line of emotional expression can be hard to tread.

Sometimes politicians do not show enough passion and emotion. The result: Zombie-like facial expressions. Sometimes they show way too much. The result: Saturday Night Live satires and public humiliation.

Why is expressing emotion such a problem for presidential candidates? Because U.S. citizens value people with cool heads. We idolize Hollywood icons like James Dean and Silent Bob for their impenetrable calmness.

Our hero is the kind of guy who can watch his house and possessions go up in flames without flinching; the type of guy who calmly can lean over, light his cigarette in the blaze and turn to the camera, “Well, at least I don’t have to worry about buying cat food anymore.”

For most of the Western world, the supreme quality of masculinity – and consequently the supreme quality of the presidency – always has been toughness. Unfortunately, thanks to Oprah, people now admit that men actually have feelings. The result is that men, including politicians, are confused.

Should they be emotionally invested and high-strung like Tony Soprano? Or should they dry and detached like James Bond? Maybe a little bit of both?

They have no idea.

Case in point: This year’s presidential election. Remember that one guy who was going to revolutionize the Democratic Party? You know the one who college students actually wanted to vote for?

Not ringing a bell?

Maybe this will refresh your memory: “Wooo! Wooo! Yeah! This isn’t over yet! Yeah! Alright!” Whoa. Yeah, that guy. former Gov. Howard Dean.

Now there’s someone who could use some weed and a slice of week-old pizza. Get some Cartoon Network in your life and relax, all right?

Heaven forbid our presidential candidate has emotion. There is nothing sincere or touching about the honest expression of excitement. Save that for the football game. We definitely do not want frankness or openness in the White House.

And forget about facial expressions. Look at our top candidates. Does Sen. John Kerry even have teeth? Does President Bush ever lose that “I’m very uncomfortable and slightly constipated” grimace?

Of course, there is a good reason why politicians are afraid to express emotions. Sure, it could be the Botox. But it is more likely because of the danger involved; the danger of us finding out who they really are.

Or maybe, what closet lunatics they really are.

For instance, Zell Miller. Anyone watching might have wondered, why is the Republican National Convention scaring me right now? And did that guy really just challenge Chris Matthews to a duel?

Seriously, I had to sleep with the lights on.

Still, even though it was a little over the top, you have to respect Zell’s passion. He believed every word he was saying, and he was giving it his all.

Which is more than I can say for the Manchurian candidates, Bush and Kerry. If politicians want people to relate to them, they should probably try … oh, I don’t know … having human emotion? Who among us hasn’t punched a hole in the wall? Who among us hasn’t cried while watching Milo and Otis?

Unfortunately, as long as people like Zell scare little children, candidates will try to steer clear of unscripted charisma.

And unfortunately, even though we can all relate to emotion and excitement, modern politicians still will feel the need to appear stoic and detached. They have bought into the old Hollywood idea of Emotionless Man.

But, come on, guys. Laugh maniacally. Throw a fit. Challenge John McEnroe to a mud fight. Say something, anything, spontaneous and heartfelt.

Remember, even Silent Bob had to speak up now and then.

Bridget Sharkey is a senior in LAS. Her column runs Mondays. She can be reached at [email protected].