I don’t care what the statistics say. We may be first in engineering, fourth in culinary arts or seventh in ceramics … whatever. If I know one thing about the University, it is this: Jessica Simpson currently heads the admissions office.

Yeah, I said it. The more time I spend here, the more convinced I am that stupid people roam this campus like raptors.

For instance, I once was active with the “Students for Howard Dean” organization. One evening, I took it upon myself to decorate my entire dorm with fliers proudly proclaiming “UIUC for Dean.” A fellow student spotted me near the cafeteria, and as she approached, I prepared myself for a serious political discussion.

Glancing at one of the sheets, she studied the former presidential candidate’s face for a few seconds and then looked back at me.

“Is he, like, running for dean of the University?” she asked.

My jaw dropped to the floor.

“No, no he’s not,” was the best I could do. Sometimes you just have to walk away.

But the idiocy doesn’t stop there. In that same dorm, I shared a room with a guy who had a simple take on life: Get really trashed, bring a ho up to our room and have sex with her while I was sitting at my computer, just three feet away.

One night, I was working on a research paper when good ol’ what’s-his-name stumbled into our bedroom, ready to make some noise with a promiscuous young woman. She saw me and rolled her eyes. I truly felt bad – burning the midnight oil for a serious assignment – when all these poor kids wanted to do was orgasm for the third-consecutive weeknight.

“Wait in the living room. I’ll figure something out,” I heard him whisper to her.

Yanking the sheets off his bed, he proceeded to hold one of them in the air, with nothing to hold it up. No tape, no pins – he just held the sheet up with his hands to form what he believed would be an appropriate barrier between his side of the room and mine.

Well, gravity took its course, and upon letting go of the sheet, it fell to the ground. Intro to Physics obviously was not a prerequisite for business majors, because he immediately picked up the sheet and let it fall again. Clearly frustrated, he turned to me.

“Any bright ideas?” he asked.

Yeah, get out of this room before I throw my laptop at you – and here’s a tip: As much as you enjoy vaginas, please do not go to town on one while I am within arm’s reach. Thanks.

Encounters with stupidity extend to my involvement with The Daily Illini. Just a few days ago, I received my first hate e-mail about a column I had written. A concerned, young sophomore in leisure studies had decided to “put me in my place,” but in reality, all he did was showcase his inability to think and write. Here are some direct excerpts:

“The DI must send some survey out to find the most liberal people they can and then ask them to come write for them.”

Yep, that’s how it works. The damn liberal media is at it again.

“What gives Europeaners the right…”

That’s funny – the last time I checked, Europeaners was not a word. I know you’re in leisure studies and all, but surely you can run your comments through a basic spelling and grammar check. At least that way, I can try to take you seriously.

To be completely honest, something is wrong here. Perhaps it is time for us to re-evaluate what makes a student worthy of studying here in the first place, because the current system is letting a lot of half-wits slip through the cracks.

Steve Kline will appear Tuesday. Jon Monteith is a sophomore in LAS. He can be reached at [email protected].