Today, the minimum-security prison in Alderson, W. Va. – locally-known as “Camp Cupcake” – will welcome federal inmate No. 55170-054; a.k.a. Martha Stewart.

Upon her arrival into West Virginia, Stewart will be awarded the “Resident with the Most Teeth Award” – taking the honor away from a Charleston man who at last count had 11.

What’s more, the inmates of the country’s first all-female prison are on the edges of their seats in anticipation of Stewart’s recommendations for new bedspreads and window curtains. There’s nothing like a little forest green to offset those cold metal bars. The prisoners also know she can provide a tremendous upgrade to the cafeteria cuisine with her killer rice pilaf.

However, Stewart will be treated like every other prisoner and that means no king-size bed and no gourmet Peking duck. During her five-month sentence, Stewart also will perform the same tasks as other prisoners: cooking and cleaning. To Stewart, this probably will be some sort of fantasy camp.

Before we decide that her punishment isn’t severe enough, let’s keep in mind she didn’t kill or maim anyone. Believe it or not, she’s no crack-whore either. Stewart was convicted of perjury when asked about a relatively modest sale of her stock in ImClone Systems, Inc. The SEC believed she had access to insider information, and in the wake of fraud at Enron and WorldCom, the government had to make an example of someone.

As Stewart begins her sentence, a real criminal – ex-WorldCom CEO Bernard Ebbers – once again is attempting to delay his trial. He believes that his case is too complex to prepare an adequate defense in time for the Nov. 9 trial date. Interestingly enough, the prosecution claims to have evidence implying that Ebbers is so guilty that not even Johnny Cochran could get him off. Sorry, Bernie. It sounds as if no amount of time will allow for a defense adequate enough to get you out of this mess.

In my finance and accounting courses, I’m bombarded with articles and lectures regarding the importance of ethics. It has become a little overbearing, but I certainly can understand why I get the continuous reinforcement. The University is home to one of the top undergraduate business programs and has the top accountancy program in the country. It doesn’t want its alumns running around performing magic tricks with corporate cash-flow statements. All it takes is one person like Bernie Ebbers to slip through the cracks for the school to lose credibility.

Both Enron and WorldCom were multi-billion dollar scams. Stewart legally sold ImClone shares for a mere $227,824, but she’s the one who’s in jail. I suppose Ebbers eventually will get to experience a prison shower party, but that day is yet to come.

As much as I can’t stand Stewart, I have to give her props for buckling down and accepting her punishment. She is a wildly successful businesswoman, an incredible displeasure to many men and an idol to many women. Before this little incident occurred, Stewart was seen as a Little Miss Perfect who never could possibly do anything wrong. How could the duchess of home d‚cor be guilty of insider trading or perjury? Well, people don’t like perfection when they aren’t the ones who are perfect. When Little Miss Perfect slipped up, we made sure she went down hard – sort of.

Ebbers certainly isn’t perfect, but that doesn’t mean he can’t go down harder than Stewart. Thousands of people who put their trust in this supposed corporate leader lost their jobs, pensions and investments, because Bernie needed an extra million bucks.

Playtime with the balance sheet has ended. Ebbers soon will be at the mercy of his fellow inmates, which hopefully are WorldCom investors. After he deservedly gets roughed up, maybe Martha can show him her foolproof method of getting bloodstains out of a prison uniform.

Chris Kozak is a senior in LAS. His column runs Friday. He can be reached at [email protected].