Have you ever noticed that there a lot of dirty, disheveled people walking around Campustown?

Sure, most of them are college students exploring their obligatory hippie phase. But some are legitimate homeless people. They have probably asked almost all of you for change. Maybe you have given it to them. Or maybe not.

Whatever the case, that person probably did just fine. After all, most of those guys make $200 or $300 a day – that is, if you believe certain individuals on this campus who want to bring the Homeless Man Conspiracy down.

That’s right. These people are sick of big homeless corporations stealing their pocket money. They are sick of these lucky homeless bastards who want to ride them for every cent they have – all 34 cents of it.

Maybe some of you really do believe Joe Hobo is out to rip you off. Maybe some of you don’t want to throw more money at a person who only will spend it on Black Crow and crack. After all, if they make so much money in one day, what do they need your 50 cents for?

To discover the truth of a beggar’s life, my friend Nicole and I took to the streets. Our mission: hit people up for money by looking pathetic and stranded. Our target: males, of course.

We waited until the epic fall of night and the closing of the bars. We had three advantages: They were inebriated, they were looking for a lady, and they … were men. Pink Floyd’s “Money” immediately started playing in my head.

The first guys we approached were in a pack of five. I was well into my “We’re from Danville, and we need cab fare … ” story when Nicole started dragging me away in fits of laughter. Turns out, she knew those guys. Uh-oh.

Rule 1) for Homeless Takeover – Don’t pretend to be homeless around people who actually have been in your home.

Next targets. We approached two young men by Busey Bank with our sob story. Nicole got into it and started having an “asthma attack.” Sorry, they said. They just didn’t have any money on them.

What a slap in the face. Again and again we asked young guys for money. All of them gave us the same line “I don’t have my wallet on me” or “I just spent my last dollar.” Hm, likely story Mr. Moneybags. We were beginning to get discouraged.

Finally, we had a stroke of luck. First, some guy gave us 50 cents, which Nicole later pitched down Sixth Street in a fit of what I like to call, “Homeless frustration.”

Rules 2) and 3) of Homeless Domination – Never throw change away. And never give up.

After all, right after that, some guy invited us to his apartment. He even offered us some pizza and a couple of dollars. Hm, thanks but no thanks, Ted Bundy.

At this rate, I couldn’t even afford an alcohol addiction. Finally, after being at it for two hours, a couple of guys by Walgreens gave us six dollars. It was just so nice to hear someone say yes and not laugh in our faces.

Rule 4) of Homeless Takeover – There are some really nice people out there. Go ahead and take advantage of them.

What’s the real lesson here? I guess I just wanted to prove that homeless people are not really rolling in the dough, no matter what haters say. Of course, by conducting this experiment, I also proved that some people lie to get money.

If people try to make you feel bad for giving Coke Fiend a couple of quarters, just remember that you might be the only person who gave them money all day. In the end, karma gives everything back to you.

So thanks, Guys By Walgreens. Nicole and I never had such good Taco Bell.

Bridget Sharkey is a senior in LAS. Her columns run Mondays. She can be reached at [email protected].