With Halloween coming up this weekend, the big concern on everyone’s mind is what to dress up as. Many students have already planned out their costumes; but for some, it will be a last-minute decision. One of my friends has had his “Mexican outlaw” costume lined up for weeks. He even tested out his cowboy boots in a bar atmosphere, despite the constant ridicule from everybody there. A word to the wise: Clint Eastwood look-alike shouldn’t go to C.O. Daniel’s.

In each of the three Halloweens I’ve experienced at the University, I’ve seen the same old, rehashed costumes. But I’ve also seen costumes each year that amaze me by their raunchiness, which usually isn’t a bad thing.

On Halloween, freshman year, equipped with my fake ID and baby-face mask from high school, I moseyed into the now defunct R&R;’s for my first Mug Night. I probably stood out like a Zulu warrior in Des Moines, but I didn’t care. This was Halloween, and judging by the costume choices some people made, they didn’t seem to care about anything either.

The night began with a costume contest. A cute girl dressed as a bunny, another dressed as a nurse (a slutty nurse, of course) and a guy dressed as a used condom were three of the finalists. The first two costumes actually looked like some effort had been put into their assembly, but the used condom – the winner – merely was a long plastic bag with some type of gelatinous slime smeared all over it. The slutty nurse, apparently not disappointed by her defeat, proceeded to our table and bounced her bosoms all up in our grills.

I guess on Halloween, people tend to act as if they really are whom they’re trying to be – something I hope the used-condom guy didn’t take too seriously. Our nurse won’t be signing a modeling contract anytime soon, but I’m not going to say I didn’t enjoy the show. When you’re a freshman, you’ll take what you can get. Beggars can’t be choosers.

When it comes to dressing up however, I have no room to criticize. My costumes in college have been rather weak. Last year, I wore a pair of khakis, a

button-down shirt from American Eagle and a cardboard sign reading “I’m just lazy” that someone had to make for me. My politically correct outfit was trumped at the party by a variety of costumes including a Jesus, a Catholic priest (with a baby doll tied around his waist) and an ambiguously gay ship captain claiming he was “looking for some good seamen.” Offensive? Probably. Entertaining? Definitely.

Most women on campus probably aren’t as apt to wear the same demeaning costumes on Halloween as males, because many people feel that a good female costume is one that’s as skanky and revealing as possible. And you know what? I couldn’t agree more. As a result, dozens of nurses, school girls, French maids, and butterflies – yes, slutty butterflies – will descend upon the Champaign social scene this weekend. If it were up to me, Halloween would be every night for this reason alone.

Because of costumes like these, Halloween is hands down the best holiday at the University. Unofficial St. Patrick’s Day is a close second, but other than on a trip to Vegas, when else can you watch a tube-topped Little Red Riding Hood shake her ass for people dressed as Japanese businessmen? At what other time will Moses present the Ten Commandments to Jenna Jameson?

If you’re still looking for a costume, make it offensive, make it raunchy or make it sexy. I myself will probably choose the offensive route, because writing for The Daily Illini doesn’t entirely fulfill my need to belittle. But then again, I might just sit back, be lazy and observe.

After all, I TM boobies.

Chris Kozak is a senior in LAS. His column runs Wednesdays. He can be reached at [email protected].