I spent the end of last week in Chicago visiting a company that’s trying to recruit me. And no, it isn’t the Tribune Company. If the Tribune Company – or any other credible newspaper for that matter – were to hire someone who writes as abrasively as I do, we all should fear for the future of journalism.

No, the company recruiting me wouldn’t give me a job where I’d be writing columns. Instead, it would be a career Ralph Nader supporters might believe would turn me into a corporate robot. I’d be deaf to all sounds not resembling those of a cash register and blinded by the image of Benjamin Franklin. In other words, the work I’d be doing wouldn’t involve serving coffee to starving artists, street musicians and philosophy majors. I’d be the Man. Damn me.

What I did realize on my all-expenses-paid trip, however, is that while it’s exciting and flattering to be wanted and wooed by a company, it’s also scary to realize that college is quickly coming to an end. For many of us, that means we’re going to have to start acting like adults. Some of us are going to graduate school, law school or medical school. Others will be entering the professional world. No matter what path we take come graduation, none of these destinations will yield the same lifestyle we now have as undergraduates.

Weekends no longer will start on Thursday afternoon, and when you have an “eleven-o’clock,” it’ll be lunch with a client, not a Chemistry 101 lecture you wake up for at 10:57 a.m.

A typical day in “real life” begins at 8 a.m. and ends at 5 p.m. A typical day in the fantasy world of college begins at noon and ends at 3 p.m. The sweatpants and sweatshirt you wear to Economics 102 will be replaced by slacks and the button-down collared shirt you’ll wear to the big board meeting in the executive suite. It’s also been rumored that once you leave college, the alcoholic beverage of choice is wine, not Natural Light. Don’t worry – it is possible (sort of) to do a keg stand-like maneuver on a box of Franzia. And no, you don’t want to know how.

On the other hand, there certainly will be positives in the professional world. For one, the checks you see will read “Pay to the order of (insert your name here)” instead of “Pay to the order of University of Illinois” – unless, of course, you’re one of those people going to graduate school (in which case, things won’t change). Plus, you’ll still have homework and studying to do. Sucker.

But maybe the real suckers are the people like me who are going to work after graduation. Sure, we’ll be making money and getting experience in the business world, but it won’t be easy trading in dollar bottles for Excel spreadsheets on Thursday nights.

Everyone I’ve talked to says life gets better after college. Of course, they could be lying in order to lure me into a false sense of security, when really I’d be moving into a life resembling the pits of Hell. I probably have too much of a “gloom-and-doom” outlook for life after college, but I’m certainly not alone. Just look at all those people majoring in history.

Like all situations, college and life thereafter have its ups and downs. Luckily, life thereafter won’t begin for another six months, and I still have time to do ridiculous things such as go out on a Sunday night to participate in the “Stupid Hat Barcrawl.”

Of course, college life eventually will come to an end. When it does, at least I’ll be happy to trade in homework for a paycheck.

Cha-ching!

Chri$ Kozak is a money-grubbing capitalist pig and a senior in LAS. His column runs Wednesdays. He can be reached at [email protected].