“Turkeys are interesting animals who are every bit as deserving of our compassion as any dog or cat.” These words from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) President Ingrid E. Newkirk bring to mind the thought of someone sitting in a lavish living room, sipping on brandy, puffing away on a Cuban cigar and rambling on endlessly about social justice. At the other end of the room is a turkey that’s dumber than a pile of bricks and smarter than Anna Nicole Smith. It’s thinking, “Corn meal. Corn meal. I need my corn meal. Where’s my damn corn meal!?”

This Thanksgiving, nearly 45 million turkeys will fulfill their lives’ purpose: to satisfy the insatiable hunger of normal, omnivorous human beings. Meanwhile, herbivorous humans can take comfort in knowing that there will be plenty of soy-based Tofurky and Unturkey for sale to take back to the commune.

Because this is a holiday to give thanks, I’d like to thank turkeys for existing, because they taste good – whether they’re roasted in an oven or sliced up and slapped on a #4 at Jimmy John’s. I’d also like to thank PETA for providing continuous entertainment through their eccentric methods of protesting the enjoyment of animals by others.

One method that PETA employs is using two large-breasted blondes – Pamela Anderson and the aforementioned Anna Nicole Smith – to promote their “Animals are not ours to eat” and “Animals are not ours to wear” campaigns. Anderson poses on the cover of the 2005 Shopping Guide for Caring Consumers wearing nothing but a hat. Smith, who’s certainly done her share of gobbling, headlines a campaign called “Gentlemen Prefer Fur-Free Blondes.” Depending on their definition of “fur,” this might seem like a worthwhile cause. Also, it’s nice to see that Smith has found something to do other than marry wealthy old men, wait for them to die, and then take the inheritance that was supposed to go to more-deserving family members.

It’s difficult to gain a great amount of respect for PETA. After all, the majority of people in this country eat meat, and many meat-eaters and vegetarians alike think PETA is a little over-the-top. For example, whom did PETA endorse for president of the United States this year? That’s right, the one and only Chris P. Carrot and his running mate Colonel Corn, who I believe might have helped to garner a few downstate votes here in Illinois (check out www.carrot2004.com if you think I’m a crazed lunatic and making this up). As a small victory for PETA, my sources tell me that Carrot made it onto more ballots than Ralph Nader did.

Now don’t get me wrong; like Ace Ventura, I love animals. However, some animals are easier to love when served on a stick at Memorial Stadium, in a burrito at Qdoba or in a triple-gyro platter at Niro’s.

The fact is that people love meat, and many of these people love to laugh at PETA. I’m sorry the vegetables didn’t get elected – resulting in the deaths of millions of chickens every year – but this is how things work on Earth. Animals eat animals, humans eat animals and in some cases, animals eat humans. It’s just a big circle of everything eating everything. It’s called nature. Welcome.

When you dine with your family and friends this Thanksgiving, be thankful you have a real bird to gnaw on and not some rubbery vegetable product processed in the basement of some shaggy-bearded, unkempt original-Woodstock-attendee’s house. As I devour my turkey and beef gravy next Thursday, the only two thoughts on my mind will be going up for seconds and working on my application to join the other PETA – People Eating Tasty Animals.

Chris Kozak is a senior in LAS who loves vegetarians, because their rejection of meat products leaves more for him. His column runs Wednesdays. He can be reached at [email protected].