Because many of us have been away from campus and our reliable newspaper this past break, I have organized a handy synopsis that should get everyone up to date.

As we all know, a tsunami struck Southeast Asia on Dec. 26. Even though this horrific tragedy took the lives of thousands, hope has still risen for some. And by some, I, of course, mean C-list celebrities who were able to capitalize on the newsworthy occasion. Stars like Ricky Martin were on site to help put the disaster area back into one piece. After all, the one thing you really learn from “Livin’ La Vida Loca” is effective methods of disaster relief. News reporters also helped to assuage the grief of victims. Forget the nameless thousands who were washed away by the tide, how about another story on model and tsunami survivor Petra Nemcova? She may have just been an untimely tourist, but seeing her gams on the news every night really helped to lighten the mood.

Of course, the real tragedy that occurred over break did not happen in Asia. It didn’t even happen somewhere in Iraq. It happened somewhere in the Hollywood Hills, over a plate of low-carb pasta and Kabbalah water. It was there – I am guessing – that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston decided to call it quits. Minimal food and water, no shelter and loss of family are one thing – but Brad and Jen breaking up? I think I can speak for all the tsunami victims when I say this was the wave that really washed away their belief in a higher power.

Tragedy number three involves Prince Harry’s lack of judgment. On Saturday everyone’s favorite royal crossed over from being a “little scamp” (add in British accent for full effect) to a total a-hole. On the night in question Prince Harry wore a Nazi guise to a costume party, complete with a swastika armband. Such behavior really makes you question someone’s integrity. Was he so desperate to be perceived as a badass that he had to dress up as a Nazi? Were all the rapist costumes out of stock? If he keeps this up they might not let him back into Hogwarts.

Also over break, Charles Graner Jr. was found guilty for his involvement in the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal. While other guards fingered Graner as being the ringleader, Megan Ambuhl testified that the treatment was ordered by his superiors. She also disclosed to the jury she was at one time romantically involved with Graner. Talk about baggage. No matter who she dates after this, she is always going to be able say “well, at least he doesn’t make people form naked human pyramids.” With a shave and a haircut, even Scott Peterson will start looking good.

In other news, the White House showed discretion – hey, it happens – in scratching Kid Rock’s name from their inaugural concert. Bad covers of classic rock aside, politicians should not legitimize the exploitation of women by supporting “Hey, look at this wet, naked, faceless girl hump me” artists like Kid. Sure he may be bluegrassing it up with Charlie Daniels now, but it wasn’t too long ago that he was an American Badass. Along these lines I propose a challenge to my female – and intelligent male – readers out there. The next time you are out at a club or a bar and a song that says something like, “To the window, to the wall, all these bitches crawl” stop right where you are. I mean it. Cross your arms. Have a drink. Ditch the sweaty guy who has been following you all night. And if anyone asks you why, you can just say, “Hey man, I don’t dance to the tune of patriarchy.” Oooh, snap.

Ahh, the past month in a nutshell. With a source like this, you may never need to watch E! news again.

Bridget Sharkey is a senior in LAS. Her columns appear Tuesdays. She can be reached at [email protected].