It’s not easy to be a kid these days. What with Lizzie McGuire being cancelled and Tater Tot Tuesday being replaced by Carb-Free Fridays, it’s a wonder that kids can even drag themselves out of bed in the morning.

To top it all off, Katie Couric and People Magazine have swooped down to barrage these young students about their sex lives. The results will be investigated on The 411: Teens & Sex, a special set to air on NBC Jan. 26. However, thanks to my connections with the underworld that is NBC news, I have managed to get my paws on the findings a little early. The highlights of the findings are as follows:

As it turns out, only 14 percent of kids from the ages of 13 to 14 have had intimate sexual contact, including intercourse and oral sex. From these numbers, I have concluded that junior high kids don’t really have a sex life. What a scoop, Katie, what a scoop.

On the other hand, 41 percent of kids from the ages of 15 to 16 are engaging in some form of sexual activity. This sharp increase in sexual behavior is not entirely easy to explain. Maybe hardcore German porn just wasn’t cutting it anymore. Or maybe, just maybe, these kids are simply growing up.

Unfortunately, no one told their parents. According to the survey of the parents, 83 percent of them believe their teenager is doing nothing more than kissing. Moreover, 42 percent of parents claimed to discuss sex with their children very often while 12 percent of them cited not too often. However, only 11 percent of the kids said they discussed sex with their parents very often and 40 percent said not too often.

The discrepancy between these percentages illustrates that parents truly have no idea what is going on in their children’s lives. They naively assume that throwing a Bible at their children counts as “discussing sex very often.” Parents believe that religious professionals and sex-education courses are going to give children the information they need, but the reality is 67 percent have never discussed sex with a nurse and 72 percent have never discussed it with a priest, minister or rabbi. And even though cartoons starring Mr. Thomas Testes and Ms. Olga Ovaries are exciting, they hardly cover the basics of the birds and the bees.

This is not necessarily a bad thing. For generations upon generations, people have been learning about sex “the old-fashioned way.” Unfortunately, the old-fashioned way can lead to STDs and teenage pregnancy, as misinformation among teenagers is rife. Penthouse and Delicate Flowers of a Young Girl’s Adventures into Womanhood (Part Deux) do more to confuse than enlighten.

Like many recent stories on young teenagers and sex, The 411 is meant to shock viewers into believing that children are old pros in the sack. Remember the jelly “sex-bracelet” craze that was on the news every night? Panicked parents started tearing apart their children’s jewelry boxes, looking for possible clues that their child was a nympho who goes both ways and loves it in the shower.

Instead of falling for the next big scandal, concerned parents should give their support to the “all-or-nothing” sex bill proposed by Rep. Shay Schual-Berke, D-Normandy Park, in the Washington state legislature. This bill states that schools that choose to teach sex-ed must cover all issues of sex, including matters of protection. After all, leaving teenagers in the dark about sex is not going to prevent them from doing it. It will only prevent them from doing it safely.

As the decline of teenage pregnancy in 1990s illustrates, giving teenagers more information on sex won’t necessarily lead to Varsity Blues-like orgies. Television shows and movies that openly discuss sex may lead to a cold shower here and there, but they also can be the only place where teens can learn what Katie Couric likes to call “the 411.”

And after all, it’s about time to let Mr. Corey Condom and Ms. Sarah Spermicide have their time in the sun.

Bridget Sharkey is a senior in LAS. Her columns appear Tuesdays. She can be reached at [email protected].