On Feb. 10 Patricia Pokriots brought a newborn baby into the Fort Lauderdale sheriff’s office. She claimed she saw an arguing couple toss the baby out of their car window, after which she promptly saved it from the side of the road.

Fortunately for baby Johnny, he sustained no injuries from the toss out the window, primarily because it never happened. This is because, unfortunately for baby Johnny, Pokriots is actually his mother. She admitted to the police on Friday that she fabricated the entire story as a way to get rid of the unwanted baby.

Ah, what happened to the good old days when mothers simply left their babies in the reeds for the Pharaoh’s daughter to find? Not only does it cut out the middleman, it also has a less of a Tonya-Harding-white-trash ring to it.

Pokriots, on the other hand, seemed to have no reservations about her scheme. She told no one about the pregnancy and planned to leave it at the fire department under Florida’s “safe harbor” law. This law states that a newborn baby who is three days old or less can be given to the authorities with no questions asked. This clever and generous law would have covered Pokriots’ then one-day-old son, but on the way to the station she decided to spice it up a little. Maybe years of being a barmaid finally took their toll. Maybe the Aqua-Net fermenting on her ‘do kept her from thinking clearly.

For whatever reason, Pokriots could not resist her urge to live out a Days of Our Lives plot. In her inventive story, not only did she get rid of one very annoying baby, but she also came off as a hero and a Good Samaritan. However, after several inconsistencies in her story, the police began to become suspicious of the lady with leaky nipples and “Proud Mommy” tattoo.

As a result, Pokriots fessed up to her cloak-and-dagger drama and consequently had Johnny taken from her custody. Her other son, a 10-year-old who must now have some serious self-esteem issues, is also going to state care. Meanwhile, everyone’s favorite barfly down at the “Boobs & Lube” is not being charged with anything.

While Pokriots technically committed no crime other than fabricating a police report, it seems a shame that she is still walking around with two working ovaries. Even though Johnny is now the most wanted baby in the world, with hundreds of people begging to adopt him, Pokriots still damaged his psyche. And what about her 10-year-old son who now has to be taunted on the playground with names like “Hey-your-mom-totally-lied-to-the-cops-and-also-why-are-you-wearing-Ladies-Keds?” Sure, it’s not very catchy, but he will never be able to escape the pain his mother inflicted on his “heartsong,” as the late great Mattie J.T. Stepanek would say.

It’s high time that being a bad parent is treated as a crime. Of course, neglecting or abusing a child is already against the law, but what about those parents who are too selfish to turn off Roseanne to see their daughter’s piano recital? What about Beverly Fisher, the lady who scratched her son because he wouldn’t roll a spliff for her? I mean, I know that brings back a lot of great childhood memories for many of us, but who are these people and why are they allowed to raise their kids with no supervision? If you are naming your kid Cane, or Skylight and a Rebel flag is the only “art” in your living room, then maybe, just maybe, someone needs to drop in once in a while to wash the ammonia out of the baby bottles.

Of course, everyone has different ideas on how children should be raised. But when someone’s idea of good child rearing is simply putting the loaded gun a little higher on the shelf, America’s future may be a little bleak.

But then again, look out how well I turned out.