There are few things that would be more outlandish than me scribbling the word “PRESS” on a scrap of paper, tacking it onto a fedora and being granted a White House press pass. Perhaps a gigolo who moonlights as a writer for a right-wing Web site receiving such a pass could be considered slightly more ridiculous. Only because I actually write for an accredited news source, while he was admitted into the White House pressroom for two years without any credentials whatsoever.

February has been a booger of a month for James Guckert, a.k.a. “Jeff Gannon,” who, aside from being my casting choice for any Right Said Fred tribute band, has recently retired from his post as White House reporter for Talon.com. Not only has he been caught with his pants down figuratively, but in the literal sense as well. Bloggers discovered nude photos of Guckert last week on numerous Web sites such as MaleCorps.com, WorkingBoys.net and MeetLocalMen.com.

I have researched long and hard and discovered that Jeff is no run of the mill Holly Golightly, accepting money for the powder room and such. He is a high-priced hooker, $200 an hour/$1200 a weekend, and like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, he does not kiss on the lips, seemingly afraid of falling in love. Aren’t we all, Jeff, aren’t we all?

Aside from being hilarious evidence of right-wing hypocrisy (Guckert wrote on Talon.com that, if elected, John Kerry would be our nation’s first gay president), Guckert received a daily press pass, as opposed to being required to obtain the “hard” pass that most reporters who have been fixtures in the White House for two years would have to acquire.

Hard passes require that one works for a recognized news organization, have qualifications to cover Capitol Hill and undergo a background check performed by the FBI.

Guckert, who applied for his passes under his real name, was denied a Capitol Hill press pass because Talon.com was not considered a “legitimate, independent news source.” One would think that this fact alone was a hint to the White House press office that Guckert was not eligible to be admitted into the White House pressroom. Therefore, logic would indicate that whoever gave Guckert access to the White House everyday since 2003 must have known that he was not an accredited journalist and/or that he was a hooker, or else they would have simply asked him to apply for a hard pass.

When questioned about his allowance into the pressroom, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said Guckert “showed that he was representing a news organization that published regularly.” It’s too bad that Mr. McClellan is mistaken about Guckert meeting these unbelievably low standards. Guckert attended a White House briefing in February 2003, and Talon.com was not created until late March of 2003.

Strangely enough, someone who didn’t even have the credentials to be admitted into the White House pressroom was allowed to view classified documents that named CIA operative Valerie Plame, which was leaked to the public by columnist Robert Novak in July of 2003. Apparently Representatives John Conyers Jr., D-Mich., and Louise M. Slaughter, D-N.Y., think so too. They have contacted the independent prosecutor in Ms. Plame’s case seeking an investigation into how Guckert attained access to these documents.

Personally, it doesn’t bother me that James Guckert wrote under the pseudonym Jeff Gannon. I write romance novels under the name Bathsheba Del Monte. Or even that he was a prostitute. Some of the best of us are. Nevertheless, I think that whoever is responsible for him receiving access to the White House pressroom, not to mention classified documents, should be sought and prosecuted. I think Guckert is on the White House agenda, too … under the heading “Things to be swept under the proverbial carpet.”