We are all familiar with the War on Terror and the War on Drugs, but our government is also currently battling another equally important war – a War on Porno. For the past few years, the Bush Administration has been leading an unjust battle to try and deny us the right to watch pornography.

Back in August of 2003, then-Attorney General John Ashcroft filed a federal indictment against porn producer Extreme Associates, creator of such wholesome and epic productions as German Whorefare 1-4, Slap’Er in the Crapper and Bavarian Booty Bitches 1 and 2. You may recall that Ashcroft also spent $8,000 on curtains to cover the breasts of two partly nude classical statues in the Justice Department’s Washington offices. An attorney on behalf of the government says that this indictment is necessary to make “sure that children and people who don’t want to have exposure to this don’t have to have exposure to this.”

Right after that, President Bush officially declared Oct. 26 through Nov. 1 Protection From Pornography Week, citing a need to “confront the dangers of pornography.” Creating a new holiday based on warning us about the dangers of porn seems a tad unnecessary, but President Bush could know something that I don’t. Who knows? At any minute, legendary porn star Jenna Jameson could sneak up from behind and strangle me with a string of anal beads.

Just as things seemed direst, hope arrived. The government’s case against Extreme Associates was dropped by a Pittsburgh district judge, who said that the prosecution overstepped their authority. Furthermore, John Ashcroft decided to step down as Attorney General in late 2004. Unfortunately, his replacement, Alberto Gonzales, picked up Ashcroft’s fallen anti-porno banner and is currently running with it.

At his confirmation hearing, Gonzales said, “the Department of Justice’s top priority is to prevent terror attacks against our nation.” And just to show how dedicated he is to fighting terror, Gonzales’ first public decision on a legal issue was to reopen the government’s case against Extreme Associates. It’s ludicrous that our Justice Department considers porn producers to be terrorists. How could anyone put the creators of Mammary Man! and Squirt’Er With Your Frankfurter on the same level as al-Qaida?

Ironically, Gonzales is the man responsible for the use of torture in Iraq’s Abu Ghraib prison. So essentially, it’s A-OK to take a naked man, put a leash on him and wag a penis in his face, just as long as nobody films it.

The case against pornography is essentially one of legislating morality, which is something the government absolutely should not do. The Bush Administration and the Republican Party pride themselves on fighting against government intrusion on the lives of ordinary people, but here they are trying to control what goes on in your bedroom.

Like it or not, the Constitution protects privacy. This includes watching and purchasing pornography. Roe v. Wade affirmed a woman’s right to an abortion under the pretext of protecting privacy. In 2003, the Supreme Court struck down anti-sodomy laws in Texas, again affirming adults a right to privacy.

The danger posed by porn is no greater than the danger posed by television or movies. If former senator Bob Dole can go on national television and discuss his erectile dysfunction for Viagra, then people should be allowed to sell, purchase and watch porn in their own homes.

It’s time to take back our porn. Do whatever it takes – camp out at the Playboy Mansion, devote your life to the gospel of Larry Flynt, finally go into that back room at Family Video. Every little bit helps. And remember, there are only 241 shopping days left until the next Protection From Pornography Week. So when October rolls around, be sure to put up your Protection From Pornography tree and remember to leave out some freshly baked dildos and a glass of lubricant for jolly old Protection From Pornography Claus.