Last time I checked, to be eligible to use the women’s restroom, you had to actually be a female. And in order to do your business in the men’s restroom, you had to, you know, be a male. However, a group of drag queens, ahem, I mean “transvestites” in New York have decided to challenge the notion of separate sex bathrooms. In a recent lawsuit, these feign females claim a local landlord has violated state and city human rights laws by not allowing them to use the ladies’ rooms in the building.

Mercifully, by a 4-to-1 margin, the lawsuit did not hold up in appellate court. The judges decided that the transvestites had not been discriminated against, but were “prohibited from using the restrooms not in coordinance with their biological sex, as were all tenants.”

Sure, I understand some of these people are having some type of identity crisis or perhaps actually think they’re women trapped in men’s bodies, but come on – they were born males. And despite what they and many others might believe, they’re men. Biology before psychology. It’s a shocker, I know.

Edward Hernstadt, attorney for the horribly wronged, said, “I think (the decision) does a terrible disservice to transgendered people and denies the reality of transgendered people in New York.”

No Eddie, the reality of these “transgendered” people is that they’re dudes. Wearing a dress and prancing around in your new stilettos doesn’t transform you into a chick. Sorry. If a woman grows a nasty, greasy mullet, loves fixing the bathroom sink, and enjoys chomping on juicy cheddarwurst and chugging down warm Miller High Life, that doesn’t magically transform her into a man (or someone from Wisconsin) either.

Along with cities like New York, many institutions of higher education also are grappling with the rise in sought after gender-neutral areas. A number of colleges already offer gender-neutral bathrooms, and many others are considering doing the same.

The debate on whether or not to follow suit has gained some steam here at the University as well. It might come as shock to many people, but I’d much rather have my tuition money going toward actual campus needs – renovations of Lincoln and David Kinley Halls, for example – not catering to the wants of a handful of people unsure of why they were born with penises or vaginas.

It’s difficult to focus during lecture when a renegade spring from a chair in the dump known as Lincoln Theatre is poking you in the ass. It’s also hard to concentrate when you’re sweating bullets in the middle of a class in DKH because the radiator – that’s right, the radiator – is still cranking out heat despite the fact that it’s 70 degrees outside.

Of course, people will never be happy and this tiny minority surely will feel they’ve been wronged and will probably eventually manage to get its way. Now, before there’s an overly-aggressive push for more gender-neutral restrooms at the University, let’s hope the administration throws enough money at the real problems on this campus first – problems that affect everyone, not just a few really confused people.

If not, there could be a day down the road when Johnny is having problems taking notes in his math class at Altgeld because his desk is carved up with people’s initials and the greek letters of every single fraternity and sorority at U of I. Yet, we’ll all be expected to be happy knowing that in each building on campus, the drag kings and queens can enjoy dropping anchor while sitting on the thrones of their ultra-private restrooms.