The day has finally come. After four years of witching and moaning, I am finally graduating. Allegedly.

While this date may seem like a dream come true for some, I find that I am dragging my feet. In fact, I am even feeling a little sentimental about leaving behind the rat under my sink. Who will drop fry crumbs for it when I’m gone? Who will go to Brothers three times a week to covertly stare at a doorman who shall not be named?

Sigh. I suppose some other up-and-coming bird with rice in her pockets and dreams in her eyes will come and perform those duties for me. I suppose there comes a time when every English major must graduate and go to work as a cashier at Target. Fortunately, though, I won’t be leaving here empty handed. Why? Because everything I need to know I learned right here at U of I:

1. Don’t date a drug addict just because he has a cute cat. In the end, the real victim is the poor little kitty who has to watch you walk out of his life while he chokes on the smog of opium.

2. Don’t assume that just because you’ve popped a squat a hundred times, you won’t get arrogant and sloppy on time a hundred and one. Take it from me, that is the true walk of shame.

3. Don’t attempt to open a bottle of wine through a tug of war method while your friend is wearing white pants.

4. Don’t go out to the bars without your good luck charms. I left my lucky bag of cat hair at home last Thursday night, and the result was two fights and a stern warning to move my underage rack away from the bar.

5. Don’t ever go against your gut feeling, particularly if you’re a woman. If you look at a guy and think “skeevy white trash,” chances are he will be trying to take you home to his non-existent hot tub and BMW at the end of the night.

6. Don’t make jokes about being pregnant in your Daily Illini article without first telling your parents. Trust me, nothing is more disorienting or unpleasant than an 8 a.m. phone call that involves the phrases “You need to talk to God!” and “Repair the holes in the screen door of your soul!”

7. Do remember to always check the soles of your shoes when leaving the bathroom. Nothing is more depressing than watching someone shake their salt-shaker, to “Save a horse, ride a cowboy” when they have 3 inches of toilet paper stuck to their shoe.

8. Do realize that pretending to be a lesbian with your best friend can get you out of many sticky situations with nasty boys.

9. Do elbow, kick, spit and/or throw your drinks at anyone who “accidentally” gropes you when they walk by you in a bar.

10. Don’t assume that your Shakespeare teacher won’t notice if you do not come to class for a month and half just because he’s a cheerful old hobbit.

11. Don’t look at the cable bills piling up on your floor and think “Wow, I should pay those” and then go take a nap.

12. Don’t go to Clybournes. This needs no explanation.

13. Don’t wait with bated breath for Firehaus to open. It will never happen.

14. Do realize the simple pleasures of living on Ramen and melted cheese on saltines.

15. Don’t stain your carpet with hydrogen peroxide and leave it for “later.”

16. Don’t ignore the directions on a bottle of Nair. Ever.

Most importantly, do realize that while this is hopefully not the best time of your life, it will be an experience you cannot duplicate. Like the Bright Eyes song says, “Nothing in the past or future will feel like today.”

On that note, thanks for reading my column for the last two years. Maybe I will ring up your razors and paper towels at Target someday. Mew.