Warning! The evil alien overlord “Xenu” and his creepy, outspoken herald “Tom Cruise,” from the cult of Scientology, are hatching a diabolical plot to control what medicine you can buy. What’s worse, the evil alien overlord “God” and his creepy, outspoken herald “Jesus,” from the cult of Christianity, are out to do the exact same thing.

Between his well-publicized foray on Oprah’s couch and his alleged foray into Katie Holmes’ vagina, actor Tom Cruise has become a vocal critic of modern psychiatry. Cruise and Scientologists, in general, believe that psychiatry is not a science and caused (among many other things) World War I, Hitler’s rise and, of course, Sept. 11.

One of Scientology’s biggest targets is psychiatric medication such as antidepressants. The Church of Scientology has gone to great lengths to discredit research supporting psychiatric medication and according to CNN, even helped “convince federal officials to tag many medications” with black box warnings. Many psychiatrists note that these black box warnings scare people away from potentially helpful medication and note a drop in the number of prescriptions written for such medication in the past year.

Not to be outdone, extremist Christians (currently celebrating the zombie-like return of Jesus to the realm of the living, or so I am told) are also targeting the pharmaceutical industry. Between his well-publicized outing of the purple Teletubby and his desire to control the vaginas of women everywhere, Rev. Jerry Falwell has become one of the leading voices of Christianity’s opposition to not just abortion, but sex in general. Falwell also blamed abortionists (among many other things) for what else? Sept. 11.

The Christian war against Roe v. Wade has been well publicized. South Dakota has already banned abortion, and other states are set to follow. But what isn’t getting as much attention is that many Christians, not satisfied with banning abortion, are targeting contraception.

The headlines are rife with pharmacists refusing to fill prescriptions for women who want the morning-after pill. What many don’t realize is that the mechanics of the morning-after pill and abortion are completely different. The pill is a form of emergency contraception which prevents fertilization from occurring, something totally different from abortion. Some pharmacists are even refusing “to fill prescriptions for antibiotics and vitamins simply because they came from a women’s health clinic that performs abortions,” according to The Washington Monthly.

Emergency contraception isn’t the only thing at risk though. There are several reports of CVS pharmacies locking their condoms in cases and requiring assistance to purchase them. This is needlessly embarrassing and will only serve to dissuade people from using condoms. Furthermore, there is growing religious and political opposition to the Human papiloma virus (HPV) vaccine and the in-development herpes vaccine. And let’s not forget the push for abstinence-only sex ed which, according to a study by Texas A&M; University, actually makes students more sexually active, not less.

Of course, blanket statements against any religion are hardly productive (though often hilarious). All Christians are not connected to some hive mind that thinks as one, though I can’t say the same for Scientology. And I’m sure there is a cool Scientologist out there too (If I had to pick, I’d say Beck). The problem is that a vocal and powerful segment in both groups have hijacked their respective religions and waged war on science and reason.

It’s scary to think that when you walk down the aisle of your local pharmacy, Xenu and God are sitting in their celestial lairs, laughing in a maniacal, super villain-esque manner at your inability to purchase antidepressants and condoms. When it comes to medicine, would you rather trust a licensed psychiatrist or the lady who played Dharma on “Dharma & Greg”? By the same token, who would you rather have controlling your own body, yourself or Pat Robertson?

Science and common sense are on the side of psychiatry and contraception. It is foolish to place your health solely in the hands of some cosmic alien superpower, be it Xenu, God, Buddha, Allah, or Spider-Man.

Eric Naing is a senior in LAS. He is a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. His column appears on Tuesdays. He can be reached at [email protected].