It’s tourney time, baby! Once again I sat down to fill out my bracket, and I just couldn’t get excited about the teams I had in the Final Four. Every year it seems like I have a couple No. 1s sprinkled in with a two and maybe a four seed. This year, I decided to do something a little different. I went through and researched the school mascots to see how they would match up in a one-on-one battle. The results were hilarious and quite entertaining. Here’s how the mascot battle shook down.

Midwest

Maryland may have a turtle for a mascot, but he’s a battler. He houses Davidson’s Wildcat in the No. 4 vs. No. 13 matchup. The Gator, Boilermaker, Fighting Irishman, Red Hawk, Rebel and Badger also advance to the second round.

In the second round Florida’s top-seeded Gator continues to roll, knocking off the Boilermaker. Maryland’s Turtle approaches Teenage Mutant Ninja status as he advances to the Sweet 16 over Old Dominion’s Lion. The 14th-seeded Red Hawk can’t quite take down the Irishman as Notre Dame advances. In the biggest slaughter of the Midwest bracket, the UNLV Rebel turns the Badger into what he was made to be: road kill.

In the Sweet 16, the Gator chomps the Terrapin, and the Rebel takes care of the Irishman in what is literally a shootout. Fists versus guns never really stood a chance. Then, in the biggest upset since George Mason took down Connecticut, the on-fire No. 7-seeded Rebel knocks off the top-seeded Gator to advance to the Final four.

West

Kentucky faces off against ‘Nova in a Wildcat battle, but ‘Nova’s cat is way cooler. I’ll take him in the upset. Virginia Tech’s Hokie is so lame I will take Illinois’ non-existent mascot over him in a No. 12 over No. 5 upset. The Crusader, Blue Devil, Panther, Bulldog and Bruin also advance.

In the second round, the Jayhawk defeats the last remaining of five Wildcat’s in the tourney. The Crusader takes a forfeit against the Illini because Illinois’ mascot doesn’t show up. The Blue Devil outsmarts the Pittsburgh Panther and the Bruins upend the Bulldogs.

In the Sweet 16, the sneaky Jayhawk slips in a win at the last second on an incredible play against the Crusader, who had to have been favored in the match-up. The Bruin pulls one out against the Blue Devil, leaving a 1-2 match-up in the Elite Eight. The Bruin’s lack of edge finally catches up with him despite playing a virtual home game in San Jose, Calif. The Jayhawk advances to the Final Four.

East

The Longhorn gets an awful first-round match-up and lose to the Aggie, who is wearing a cowboy hat and lasso in his logo. One of my favorite match-ups is the No. 6 Commodore against No. 11 George Washington. The two Revolutionary War vets battle it out, but this time Mr. Washington comes up short. The Tar Heel, Spartan, Cougar, Red Raider and Hoya also move on.

In the second round the Tar Heel knocks off the Spartan literally, the Razorback slips by yet another mascot beating the Aggie. The Commodores beat the no. 3 seeded Cougars, and the Hoyas continue to roll.

In the Sweet 16 the Tar Heel’s top-heavy costume costs him in the upset of the tournament as the Razorback advances. The Commodore is finally knocked off by the No. 2 Hoyas, who go on to maul the Razorback and earn a trip to Indy.

South

In an ironic match-up, the No. 6-seeded Cardinal (the bird) takes on the No. 11-seeded Cardinal (the color; yes I’m ignoring the existence of that ridiculous Christmas tree). The color wins it in an upset. Brutus the Buckeye advances along with the Musketeer, Tennessee’s Smokey, Virginia’s Zorro look-alike Cavalier, an Aggie, a Wolfpack and the Mean Green.

The Buckeye gets another easy second-round match-up beating the Musketeer. The Cavalier has no problem with Tennessee’s Smokey. The illusive Cardinal (the color) knocks off the Aggies, and the Mean Green wins a second-round match-up with the No. 15 seed beating the Wolfpack.

In the Sweet 16, the seed, a.k.a. Ohio State’s mascot, meets his match against Virginia’s Cavalier. In the other game the Mean Green takes another one over the Cardinal in a battle of colors. Their dream run comes to an end, though, as the Virginia Cavalier advances to the Final Four.

The Final Four

This Final Four is amazing; the match-ups are the No. 7 UNLV Rebel versus the top-seeded Kansas Jayhawk and the No. 2-seeded Hoya versus the No. 4-seeded Virginia Cavalier. The Rebel is just too badass for the Jayhawk; the No. 7 seed goes to the championship. In the other game, the Cavalier’s cunning out does the Hoya’s bark in a tough battle landing Virginia in the Final.

Finally, the Championship game goes to the UNLV Rebel. Seriously if you haven’t seen this guy, he’s awesome.

Wow what a great bracket, I wish I didn’t have a No. 7 winning over a No. 4, but hey, anything can happen.

Frank Vanderwall is a senior in LAS. He can be reached at [email protected]