Since my inception, some Caucasian males have felt victimized by my existence. I am here to officially apologize for all of my dastardly deeds and the horrible consequences of my actions.

I agree that I should be canceled. For the past 40 years, I have brought nothing but despair and misfortune to white people all over America.

I apologize that my policies have taken you from your home, forced you to work in an alien land and threatened you with death if specific work quotas were not met.

My procedures ensured that you were always adorned in shackles and chains, and I legitimized this treatment by proclaiming to the world that you were less than human.

I made it illegal for any member of your race to learn how to read and write, a crime punishable by death.

I used doctored scientific evidence to “prove” that you didn’t have the mental capacity to handle freedom. That’s why I passed laws to torture your kind if you were caught attempting to run away to freedom. I apologize that I, affirmative action, have wronged you so incredibly.

I apologize that I, affirmative action, consciously mutilated your culture to ensure you would never have any remembrance of your native land. I broke up your families, which is why even today you find it difficult to trace your lineage. For all these cruel things that have happened to you, I apologize.

My manifestation brought about your exploitation. Infant America matured to its dominance on your back for no charge, an unjust debt that was never paid or even apologized for. Even when I decided to give you your much-deserved, overdue “freedom,” your citizenship was never equal to that of your peers.

You couldn’t vote, you couldn’t be in any position of power, I wouldn’t even allow you a fair trial. Many times my followers would just drag your kind out of jail cells and beat them until their faces were so disfigured their own families couldn’t recognize them. After that, my supporters set them on fire and lynched them.

After all these inhumane things that have happened to your people because of me, you have every right to complain that I should no longer be used.

The people that I have given the most unfair advantage to are minorities, especially blacks.

Black people have been here longer than most other immigrants. Eastern European and Asian immigrants, for example, have progressed much further than blacks in a much shorter time. It’s not like blacks didn’t have a choice to come to America like everybody else.

Blacks have had all the opportunities you have had. They weren’t ostracized and persecuted against for centuries. They weren’t terrorized into submission and forced to comply with malicious traditions and customs.

Even if some small group of people didn’t like blacks at some point in time, its members are all dead now. It’s been at least 40 years since the Civil Rights Movement – that’s a long time. And we all know that those racists’ parents wouldn’t influence their children to be bigots.

I was mistaken when I thought I would have made this country better by empowering the poor and less fortunate. How foolish of me to think that if I gave these people the chance to go to school and get a decent job, they would stop mugging, selling drugs and committing acts of murder in their attempts to better themselves.

How stupid of me for helping all those white women, whom unfortunately I have helped the most. Women don’t need to go to school or have a career; women just need to have children and cook.

For the white men that feel victimized, I agree that you have every right to be angry. So many bad things have happened to you, and all because of me, affirmative action.

Through the slavery and oppression and the unfair advantage given to undeserving minorities (like blacks), I have made life in the country unbearable for you.

After all the horrible things that I have done to you, I hand in my resignation and hope you can forgive me.