Sometimes I honestly think there is something medically wrong with Cubs fans. There are a lot of strange fans in the professional sports landscape, but it always seems like the people who cheer for the North Siders need psychiatric help.

Never have I seen a group of people whose mood swings go from complete jubilee to utter despair within the same week, day, game, inning or at-bat.

For example, let’s take a look at new Cubs outfielder Kosuke Fukudome’s game-tying three-run homer in the bottom of the ninth against the Brewers on Monday. I could hear people hollering and screaming in apartment buildings that sounded blocks away. Then, after the Cubs blew the game in the 10th, fans started lining up to jump off the Sears Tower.

Surely there has to be something clinically wrong with people who exhibit these characteristics; there has to be some explanation.

To find the answers, I went digging through my vast collection of medical books, I interviewed doctors and med students, and I even wrote a letter to the Surgeon General.

My results came up negative.

Then it occurred to me that Cubs fans have a disease not yet discovered by the medical community. It’s something new and highly contagious near the area of Clark and Addison in Chicago. It’s called Piniella Managing Syndrome. That’s right, Cubs fans have PMS.

Piniella Managing Syndrome is a collection of physical, psychological and emotional symptoms related to a Cubs fan’s logical thinking cycle. Most fans with PMS have symptoms of “sufficient severity to interfere with some aspects of life.”

This disease works in two stages.

The first is based on the level of expectations Cubs fans have for manager Lou Piniella. After the failure that was the Dusty Baker experience, “Cubdom” found hope in the hard-nosed approach of crazy old Uncle Lou. Piniella was a proven winner as a player and a manager. He has vast Major League experience and has been to the top of the mountain (Yankees, Reds, Mariners) and the bottom of the ocean (Rays). The one thing Cubs fans loved most about him was his desire to win … and the fact that he could melt off an umpire’s face just by looking at him.

In his first season, Piniella turned the Cubs around from a last-place team to division champions.

The bar was set exceedingly high. In the minds of Cubs fans, the next logical step is a World Series championship.

The effects of these kinds of expectations include unsettled nerves, sense of pressure, performance anxiety and depression.

The second stage of Piniella Managing Syndrome is Lou’s approach to running a team. Piniella is known league-wide as a manager who likes to roll the dice, and he will do whatever happens to pop into his mind at any given time. Usually his gambles pay off despite their complete randomness and unconventional style.

Many Cubs fans find Lou’s erratic behavior both exciting and emotionally damaging. When it works, he is the toast of the town, but his plans can cause fans to jump to pessimism and harsh booing if they fail.

Other effects of Lou’s managing approach can include harsh mood swings, violent destruction of nearby meaningless objects, excessive armchair managing and states of paranoia.

The only known cure for Piniella Managing Syndrome is for Lou to be fired, but neither I nor the rest of Cub Nation wants to see that happen anytime soon. Instead, steps can be taken to alleviate the physical and mental effects it has on the body.

The first responsibility falls on Lou.

Despite the fact that he sometimes manages the Cubs like a fantasy baseball team, Piniella needs to settle on a consistent lineup (particularly hitters one through five in the order). Throughout all of spring training, Lou has been changing the lineup on a seemingly daily basis. For the betterment of the team and the sanity of the fans, Lou needs to find his regular lineup. This team needs some consistency in its hitting and I don’t believe that is going to happen by shuffling the batting order 162 times this season.

The other step toward relief is very simple: Chill out, Cubs fans. It is a very long season. There are going to be ups and downs from now until September.

You will literally take years off your life if you get worked up every time the Cubs lose a game. There are more than 150 games left this year, but you’ll be fine if you believe the Cubs will win most of them. Trust Lou. I think he knows what he’s doing.

If symptoms continue, please seek a physician immediately, because that’s just messed up.

Kyle Betts is a senior in Media. He can be reached at [email protected]