The One addresses His people.

The masses waited, wondering when He would appear. They had all converged here to hear the words of the One who had come to save us. They chanted His name, listened to speakers extolling His wisdom and virtues, and watched a video chronicling His rise to greatness to pass the time. Any moment now, He would appear. How, they knew not. Perhaps He would pretend He was one of them and just walk out among them. Or, He would descend from the heavens from which He was sent to be among them on this glorious night. Or, to best reveal His true glory, He would appear in a brilliant pillar of all-healing light. The excitement could be felt, as He would soon come.

And then, out of the temple built in His honor, strode the Savior himself. He had chosen to act as one of us, a testament to His humility and desire to be seen as a simple human. He walked to the podium to address the adoring throngs, but could not, as they would not stop cheering. They were too overcome with happiness to be in His presence once again. He smiled benevolently, “Yes, yes,” His smile said, “I am here with you all. Now, hear my words.” Then, the crowd quieted some, and He began to speak.

What words they were! He told a tale filled with tragedy. In this tale, an evil and merciless ruler rules a once great people. Together, with his evil supporters called Republicans, they proceed to destroy the great nation. This evil ruler and his minions only like rich people and big corporations, and wish to completely subjugate these people to his will. No one can stop them.

But now, He is here to help them overcome the evil ruler and the Republicans. He has brought hope into our tragic tale. With the power of “hope,” “change,” and His own divinity and Oneness, peace and justice will once again be restored! And with the support now of His former enemy, the sorceress Clinton, with her fire breath and will of steel, He can finally fulfill his destiny and take up His throne as ruler.

But there is someone that stands in His way, an Anti-Savior, from the evil Republicans. He seeks to deny the Savior His rightful throne and continue the evil ways of the previous ruler. But how could people choose him when He speaks of the amazing things He will do?

He will end our addiction to foreign oil in ten years. “Ten years?” you might ask, “We get over one-third of our energy from oil and He has opposed domestic drilling. How will he do it?” He will invest in nuclear, clean coal, and most of all, renewable energy sources such as wind, solar and biofuels. Yes, He has been very reluctant to back nuclear power and opposed Yucca Mountain as a storage site for waste. And of course, many renewable energy sources are still incredibly unreliable and prohibitively expensive. Furthermore, such a transition would require, as He has put it, a “complete transformation of our economy,” even though our economy is the strongest on Earth and to do something like this would most likely prove disastrous to it. But He has spoken.

He says He will also invest in early childhood education even though the National Assessment of Educational Progress has shown that reading, math and science test scores have remained virtually the same since the 1970s even though preschool attendance has jumped over 50 percent in that time.

He promises to cut taxes too. This might confuse some people. “Tax cuts? Isn’t that what the evil Republicans do?” Yes, but only for rich people and big corporations. True, he voted to raise more than $300 million of taxes and fees on businesses while in the Illinois senate, but that was before He knew He was our Savior.

He spoke of his judgment in calling for more troops in Afghanistan. Yes, he opposed the troop surge in Iraq that made stabilization possible, but that is the evil Republicans’ war.

He also issued a bold challenge to the Anti-Savior. He challenged him to a duel. The Anti-Savior had already issued such a challenge months earlier, but He was not ready then, and this makes Him look bold.

He finished and the people cheered, women wept, and hearts were filled with joy. He walked back to His temple, gone for now, but ready to continue His fight against the forces of evil.

Jordan is a junior in MCB and just doesn’t get it.