In the wake of certain incidents, Scout has taken time to write a formal statement of regret for the turmoil he caused with his antics over the past week. 

Here is his complete and unabridged apology.  

To My Adoring Fans,

What would you do for love? There is little I wouldn’t do.

Writing this in the wake of widespread chaos and confusion across the nation is not an easy feat, and I commend myself for that. Sure, my editor may have forced me to write this under threat of expulsion from The Daily Illini on top of 10 months of community service but, in my experience, it’s the thought that counts.

Valentine’s Day is not easy and even less so for those who have recently acquired a new ex. I have recently acquired one myself, and I can imagine celebrating so-called Singles Awareness Day is difficult for those of you who possess the emotional instability of the minority party during the State of the Union address. 

Now, for those of you who are wondering what Valentine’s Day has to do with what my editor has decided to refer to as the “Week of Unrelenting Dread,” then allow me to cut to the chase. 

No one ever told me the balloons were a bad idea. 

Yes, this is technically an apology, but let me be clear — just because I’m not some kind of news junkie who spends his time excessively refreshing the New York Times website just to feel productive doesn’t mean that I’m completely ignorant when it comes to international news. 

I just never thought the balloons would cause such pandemonium. 

It’s my own fault — I’m too emotionally secure to expect any of you desperate newly singles out there to understand. But there’s nothing an ex loves more than efforts to win them back.

But to win them back, you have to recall everything you remember they enjoy and then physically manifest it into something bold. 

My ex, who has now inexplicably moved far away to the state of Montana, always loved the color white. Something about how it’s every color combined or something, I don’t know, I didn’t listen too intently. 

But guess what they also loved: balloons.

The pieces should begin falling into place for you, dear reader. But I regret nothing. 

A sincere apology is a rare thing, and today I do not intend on breaking that trend. Marketing is everything these days, and refusing to refer to the past week as the “Week of Unrelenting Dread” is the first step I will be taking to omit the need for such an apology. I’m standing my ground. 

This week will now be remembered as my “Week of Unabashed Love.” 

Some may have felt fear as the symbol of my undying love drifted across Montana airspace in proximity to the 150 intercontinental ballistic missile silos of Malmstrom Air Force Base. But I felt deep pride for my ability to swallow my pride and openly declare my feelings. 

The F-22 fighter jets sent to shoot it down probably needed the flying practice anyway. You all can thank me for keeping our fine United States Air Force on its toes. When it comes to national defense, I do not play around. 

That is why I do apologize for the other 2,000 balloons. The Northern Hemisphere didn’t need the extra stress, and for that I am remorseful. 

My love has no bounds, and I may have gotten carried away. Perhaps reading the news more often would have prevented me from releasing them from the top of a skyscraper in Juneau, Alaska, on the gustiest day of February. 

There was admittedly no way for me to anticipate where the rest of those balloons would drift on that fateful day, but perhaps that is a point in itself — love may drift in places completely unexpected. 

And I am completely willing to follow where it leads — whether it be Canada, Jamaica, Romania or wherever the mid-latitudinal gulf stream may have swept the rest of those darling helium-filled symbols of my unabashed love. 

Stay Classy, 

Campus Scout 

*Campus Scout writes opinion-based, satirical stories and uses fictional sourcing.*

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