Our campus is currently in mourning — we have lost a giant, indeed. The departure of Einstein Bros. Bagels from its five campus locations, including a much-beloved spot in the Illini Union, has left a painfully gaping void in the hearts of the student body.

But fear not — the arbiter of cuisine, the gastronomic maestro, the pre-eminent gourmand himself, Campus Scout, has taken it upon himself to fill that empty space in the souls of our stomachs. 

Campus Scones’ grand opening will take place as soon as Scout forges the identity of a long-lost brother in order to validate the restaurant’s title using the old FBI scanners he snuck into the steam tunnels during the Cold War. 

Campus Scones will finally utilize his long-nurtured gourmet training — namely Scout getting locked in a study room in the Main Stacks for a week with only Julia Child cookbooks for company.

As predicted by Scout’s business managers, namely economics graduate students who have been interning with him for months under the foolish assumption that they’ll be paid, Campus Scones will take the campus by storm in no time, bringing in a pretty penny to boot. 

So out with the rooster-waking malarkey of Einstein Bros. and in with the WWII spy-approved magic of Campus Scones. Scout is more than thrilled to start making delightfully scrumptious scones for our hardworking student body. 

However, Campus Scones will have to rely on more than the wonderful flavors of its pastries to make a profit. Head Chef Scout is well aware that branding is everything. Its abbreviation — CS — is reminiscent of the main denomination of League of Legends players on campus, a vital demographic for Scout to reach.

In order to maximize its public reach, Scout has made the executive decision to carve out a cursive CS, for Campus Scout, in every scone. There might be more appetizing scones elsewhere, made without an excess dolloping of mashed potatoes, but where else are there scones engraved with their creator’s initials? 

Scout hopes to use some of his salary from his new professor position to construct a billboard advertising his new venture atop a local Green Street business. Scout hopes that not only will this billboard give him some publicity, but that the 24/7 automated strobe lights attached will also draw customers to the lucky business he selects. 

In addition, Scout has used the rest of the profits from his short-lived oil barony in the late ’90s to rent out the facade of every building on Green. Sources say he intends on draping banners marked simply CS to expand his brand. To compensate for the buildings’ lack of natural light, Scout will also surprise every local business with a constructible floor lamp from IKEA.

Campus Scones has only the public’s interest at heart — by finally building the perfect breakfast destination, students will need to visit no other establishment. This vastly simplifies matters for a student population who are already whisked from one end of campus to the next every day. 

As a precaution before the student body catches wind of the Scout brand, his interns have already set up rope stanchions and poles to funnel the massive crowds that will soon descend upon the Union. 

In the wake of this culinary phenomenon, Chambananites will no doubt enjoy the absence of foot traffic on Green Street. Instead of going out of their way to the little shops and restaurants there, all they need is a ScoutSconeSpeedPass — at the low price of $75— to skip the line at Campus Scones.  

Scout has also built a website for his little slice of baked-good heaven. On CSscones.org, pre-orders for Scout’s Famous Monogrammed Scones are anticipated to soon sell like hotcakes.

The scone is the future — and we should devour it voraciously with little regard for local business.

Scout put it best, in an exclusive interview done by The DI: 

“Einstein Bros. Bagels will be missed dearly, but Campus Scones is here to care for you, the student — your stomachs are in our hands. Don’t forget to tip the chef.”

*Campus Scout writes opinion-based, satirical stories and uses fictional sourcing.*

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