We live in an age of innovation, hurtling our society toward an ever-approaching future of technological harmony — all thanks to brilliant figures from Thomas Edison to Alexander Graham Bell to Jeff Bezos and now to Campus Scout!
He only has one question for you all.
Have you ever thought about just how you waste your life, waiting for your microwave to count to zero? Do you ever catch your downturned, horrendous visage in the stainless steel door reflection and wonder, “Is this Hot Pocket truly worth the 300 seconds?”
As the digital numbers count agonizingly down, do they also toll the bell of your doom, the final beeps sounding trumpets to signal your inevitable demise? As the tiny rectangle reads “END,” are you reminded of the savory Hot Pocket flavor, or do you instead write an addition to your funerary epitaph?
Well, worry not! Scout’s boredom following him spontaneously combusting the University’s electric scooter population has lent itself to true innovation. With one month still left on his restraining order from The Daily Illini, he’s gotten productive down in his steam tunnel workshop.
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During Christmas, Scout had a startling experience. While microwaving his nightly Velveeta Salsa Con Queso Cheesy Bites, he stood and watched the morsels of fried heaven spin round and round. The microwave beeped, but he did not move. There he stood, still as a catatonic Corgi, glued until the sun came up.
With the sun came enlightenment — the god rays were unlimited energy, and Scout would harness this power to save years of wasted time.
Now, he proudly introduces … the INSTAWAVE (patent pending).
Occupying only 45 cubic feet of space, this marvel of culinary technology can instantaneously cook your food. After tinkering night after night underneath the North Quad, Scout has discovered the key to unlocking the map to the path that leads straight to harnessing the latent power of the life you could lead!
How is this possible, you might ask? The answer is on the back of Scout’s single prototype — a miniature aluminum-cased nuclear reactor. Good thing he poked around in that Talbot Laboratory closet, otherwise he’d have been without sufficient energy to power this miracle of modernity. What Scout discovered during his test run will surely capture your fascination and your investing wallets!
In .00000005 seconds flat, this wonderful box perfectly cooked Scout’s Velveeta Salsa Con Queso Cheesy Bites to a light golden brown. Imagine what delight this will bring to America and the world.
Now, readers, is your chance to invest in 2026’s equivalent of the lightbulbs and pasteurized milk.
Gone are the days of tedious recipes with ripping, stirring and mixing. The future is here, and its name is INSTAWAVE.
The INSTAWAVE prototype can bring water to a boil in the blink of an eye. It can also perform many more functions to maximize the time spent in front of its touch-screen LED heads-up display.
A golden era of productivity is nigh — the INSTAWAVE’s heads-up display has a direct connection to the World Wide Web and an artificial intelligence-enhanced chatbot that will recommend the best decimal measurement for optimal toasting.
Scout is currently workshopping a holographic deck that will enable users to not only doomscroll Instagram Reels in glorious 4D but also immediately post high-definition photos of their cooked food to the World Wide Web!
With these startlingly genius capabilities, Scout’s INSTAWAVE will give you a delicious meal — and heightened productivity — in a matter of five nanoseconds. Stop wasting your life away, and install one of Scout’s nuclear-powered microwaves, coming soon to a retailer near you!
*Campus Scout writes opinion-based, satirical stories and uses fictional sourcing.*
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