Last Thursday you might have read Josh Purse’s sports column entitled, “This Column is on ‘Roids.” In it, Purse points out the numerous similarities he has with ex-baseball star and “‘roidaholic” Jose Canseco. OK, just two – the first three letters of their first names and their past steroid use. Purse also says, “the steroid epidemic really is a topic that I think deserves to be discussed and debated until it disappears.” Well, Josh, your wish has been granted.

I’ve decided to follow the lead of Canseco, my new personal hero, whose best-selling, tell-all book, Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits & How Baseball Got Big, hit bookstores last Monday. Like Jose, it’s time for me to come clean and rat out my co-workers.

You might be wondering – how can a group of college kids put out a newspaper five days a week? Well, there’s an easy answer to that question – steroids.

That’s right. In fact, you might as well just call this column, Juiced: Wild Writers, Energized Editors, Fired-Up Photographers & How the DI Went Large (there’s a reason we switched to broadsheet…). This is the inside scoop on what really goes on at 57 E. Green St. And hey, I should know. I spend a solid 30 minutes at the DI every week – 10 minutes for my edit and 20 minutes playing with syringes.

Let me start with the photo department. This one is pretty obvious to everyone anyway. Every photographer at the DI uses steroids. Camera bags are extremely heavy, and there is no way a photographer can take award-winning photos and move from assignment to assignment in a timely manner without help.

Everyone who works at the sports desk is also on steroids. This too is simple, deductive logic. They work in sports, so they must be on some type of Human Growth Hormone. Now, you’re probably thinking, surely someone like Bobby La Gesse couldn’t have fallen victim to ‘roid rage. Sorry folks. Covering Illini football and men’s basketball is a monumental task. Don’t be fooled. He can dope with the best of ’em.

Speaking of “the best of ’em,” the most notorious steroid users at the DI work right here in the opinions section. Surprised? Don’t be. We have two opinions editors – for now. When current editor Kali Bhandari joined the staff this month, she was completely oblivious to our extensive steroid use. As a result, her first few weeks on the job were pretty shaky, which is why Kiyoshi Martinez stayed on as assistant. However, since she’s been introduced to this wondrous new lifestyle, Kali has been editing columns and writing staff editorials with unbelievable tact and efficiency. Sorry Kiyoshi, you might not be needed anymore. Maybe the Booze News is hiring.

Opinions writers are the worst offenders though. When you look at Eric Naing’s mug shot, you’re probably thinking, “My, that Eric Naing looks so innocent.” Wrong. He might look like a goody-two-shoes, but he measures in at 5’7″ and weighs close to 280 lbs. Cause for suspicion? I think so.

Easily, the worst of the worst is Bridget Sharkey. How does our longest-running columnist continue to crank out quality articles week in and week out? Natural talent? Partially, but that can only take a person so far – like one semester’s worth of columns. Before steroids, she was on the fast track to becoming a DI burnout. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve become infuriated after walking into the DI bathroom to the sight of Bridget injecting Zach Schuster or Angela Loiacono with the cream and the clear – not because I needed to use the restroom for its intended purpose, but because I was afraid they wouldn’t save enough for me.

An asterisk should be placed after every award The Daily Illini has won the last few years. Without steroids, we’re no more than a weekly classified. Thanks to doping, I now can write 1,400-word columns, but my limit is about half that, so I must contain myself and stop here.

Plus, I need to page Jose to see when my next shipment comes in.