I lost my library book and owe them $250. I also have been on this campus for three weeks.

Saying these two sentences together out loud suggests that I’m less equipped for the college experience than as I once thought. But perhaps this is the price I must pay for “LARPing” as an intellectual because — to be completely transparent — I find reading to be a drag.

But my desire to be admired as a girl who reads is almost as strong as my disdain for the boring task at hand.

There are several things my dorm is too small for: having pets, owning a stove and, most importantly, losing a book. How I cannot find something in a room of approximately 10 square feet amazes me; yet here I am on my hands and knees, looking under my bed for a book I was never going to read.

I never considered this, of all things, would be my downfall.

And if my roommate is reading this, I sincerely apologize for all the dirty looks I gave you when I suspected my prized possession was stolen. I realize you probably have better things to do with your time than to terrorize local book readers. I just could not come to terms with the fact that I am that irresponsible.  

After several fruitless searches, it came to my attention that my book grew legs and ran away.

But quite frankly, I wish him all the best. I like to imagine my book in the countryside, settled down in a sensible home with a beautiful wife and a couple of little books of his own running around: a fairytale ending.

Nevertheless, I find it inhumane for books to be locked up in libraries days on end and personally feel as though I did the literary world a humane favor.

So here is my suggestion for anyone who is considering reading for fun this fall season: Do not. Go apple picking instead. I’ve never heard of anyone being fined $250 for losing an apple. I’ve also never heard of anyone baking a delicious pie made of books. 

But if you must check something out from the library, please remember to keep track of it. Save yourself the headache and financial blow. 

Lastly, if you see a copy of “Metropolitan Life” by Fran Lebowitz lying around, please contact me.

Caroline is a freshman in Media.

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