I am happy to report that at my ripe age of 19, I have courted an array of suitors. Not only have I officially dated, but I have had fleeting romances, fits of passion and short-winded encounters with charming individuals whom I am no longer in contact with.

My amassing of experiences, my smorgasbord of dating samples, have allowed me to recognize the type of person I am most suitable with.

Just for contextual purposes, my fits of experimental dating has included sustained contact with the “bad” boys, the sporty boys, the band boys, the marching band boys, the film boys and so on.

These experiences were not all sunshine and rainbows. While discovering my romantic interests and exploring compatibility with people, I was often frustrated with those who would ghost, lose interest and distance themselves.

Why were those things happening? It could have been a multitude of factors but, in the end, the flame dimmed, the passion dwindled and all that was left of my once fierce affair was an already-opened Snapchat message.

I developed a system to filter out the duds. I could quickly and efficiently skim through my admirers to decide whether or not pursuing them would end in a happy relationship or if I would end up being confined to a hellish situationship for eternity (four months).

The system was a set of simple questions, each of them needing to be answered with a yes to move men to the second round of courting me, and they are as follows.

Would he see a musical with me? Would he be proud — without receiving the ick — to see me in a musical? Would he be accepting of my 11-hour guilty pleasure musical theater playlist?

This criteria might seem strange, even alarming to some, but it has never failed me.

I have to give a trigger warning, dear reader, I was definitely an active enjoyer of and participant in live musical theater growing up. I still occasionally revisit my favorite show tunes and see shows when I can.

Even without a background in theater, these questions differentiate the humble, all-American men from the men who think they’re cooler than everyone else — they’re not, though.

Let me clarify as well, these questions are not only for men, but they can be used on anyone.

Each time I sit and reflect upon a failed relationship, I seem to realize the answer was always there. That person would not have seen a musical with me, let alone sit front row while I play pretend in front of hundreds.

Why would you willingly be with someone who undermines creativity, does not value expression and mocks people bold enough to be vulnerable in front of large audiences? The world is already so cruel; why am I to be mocked for wanting to go to a silly theater to sit in silly seats to watch silly people dance around? No! I refuse to tolerate theater slander anymore.

Although my experiences going on dates with men in theater have been far from pleasant, I still admire their performances of belting the A5 note in the solo song “Santa Fe” from the original Broadway cast recording of “Newsies” during every possible function.

In general, I am interested in humor, kindness and being with someone accepting of all people. The questions are not necessarily a testament to their love for “Glee” cast recordings, but they are a way to judge their character.

Someone who values oddity and uniqueness and who wants to cheer on people’s passions is the only person I want to be with.

Thank you for reading — until next time.

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