For those of us shackled by the academic life (whether by choice or not), the end of the spring semester heralds a time of quiet contemplation, solitary introspection and gibbering panic. With regards to that last element of the incoming summer season, here’s some advice for all the poor undergraduate students who are just now closing out their semesters.

Note: For the members of the audience who suffer from excess anxiety, let this be a warning. This article might bother you. To those of us who have deep-seated insecurities on this issue, hopefully you can take the wise path of compartmentalizing and repressing your problems until middle age, as I have.

Freshmen

There’s almost painfully little advice I can give you. You’re basically a sight-seer. A whole lot of you aren’t even sure what you want to major in yet, so what am I supposed to tell you? Just do your best to figure your life out, I guess.

Also, don’t let anybody tell you there’s such thing as a bad major. You shouldn’t let them, largely because it’s so evident it’s gauche to speak it aloud.

A good rule of thumb for you undecided students out there is that whatever you were planning on majoring in is a terrible idea. Go to Plan B from the start, and you’ll be much better off.

Sophomores

You’re kinda like the freshmen, except you cling to a stubborn sense of identity from your major. This sense of identity will be especially helpful to you when it shatters under the weight of planning your post-college life, so enjoy it while it lasts.

You should also do something over the summer, maybe. I mean, I don’t want to tell you your business, but senior year is coming faster than you think. It’s coming strong. A good plan for you going forward is to invest a lot into your social life. That way, it can get in the way around the same time your studies start beating you up for your lunch money.

Also, assuming you got here straight from high school, you should be around 20 years old, which means you have never once drank on campus (or ever!). You’ll really enjoy yourself when you get to junior year because you’ve never drunk alcohol. Ever. Right?

Juniors

Heck yeah, now we’re getting somewhere. You’re more than half way done with your school career, and this semester is just one more mile on the road to greatness. Except the road is starting to run out, so figuring out what to do with your life is getting more important by the minute. Luckily, there’s an entire year you can procrastinate toward, so you’re pretty much set. No need to worry at all.

If you’re a transfer student, by the way, then I send my condolences out to you. I, too, suffered the awful super-positional quantum-state that is being a transfer-junior. It’s a grotesque abomination with all the obligations of a junior and all the knowledge of the campus and experience of a freshman.

To those of you who are about to die of transfer-itis, I salute you. For those of us who have already died, I feel your pain.

Seniors

Well, I’m glad you got used to college, because that’s done with. You’ve got a whole new life ahead of you, and I know for a fact not a single person on the planet (ever) has ever been nervous about the transition (ever).

On a more positive note, the end of your senior year represents the opportunity to remake yourself in fundamental ways. You get a clean slate, wherever you’re going. Whether it’s to graduate studies, the workforce, your mother’s basement or somewhere else, I genuinely hope you enjoy the opportunity for reinvention. For like, the third time in five years.

Adolescence, man. What was God thinking?

Super Seniors

The old ones. The strong. The powerful. You are both the reminders of days gone by and the harbingers of things yet to come. You occupy nigh-mythical status among the sheeple, and are venerated for your service. Stay cool, my dudes.

In conclusion

Here’s to hoping everybody has a summer they won’t forget before they have to get back (except for, hopefully, the seniors and super-seniors). It’s worth relaxing, knowing you get to take a break from all the hullabaloo, just in time to get back into it next year.

Yoav is a senior in LAS.

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