Over the past five years, we have seen quality programming go straight to reality. Reality television is mindless, but what it does is find ways to make the consumer wonder what could possibly happen tonight; even more real than it would have if not taking place on a stranded island.

Besides Cops, the father of reality television is MTV’s The Real World. MTV searches the country to find the most extreme yings and yangs possible, putting them together under one roof. The cross-dressing boy from New York and the slack-jawed yokel from West Virginia always seem to share a closet.

To a similar tune, baseball telecasts are the highest rated when the Yankees play the Red Sox. It’s the glamour; the star power and the fact that the viewer knows the two teams absolutely hate each other. It seems again that the AL will be decided by one of the two teams, a story that has been told many times. Here is a story that you didn’t know existed and won’t be shown in its entirety until next spring.

This is the true story of eight professional athletes, picked to live in a house and have their lives taped, and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting REAL. The Real World!

You got it, Real World South Padre starring personalities from the American League East’s two best teams. The selection process was awfully tough and the people at MTV apologize for only taking eight, but a lot of the players have no reality TV clauses in their contracts. Even more athletes were eliminated after failing their physicals; MTV has a long history of zero tolerance when it comes to steroids. But when the selection was done, TV history was sure to be made.

This sneak peak into the house might get me kicked out of my contract but I couldn’t keep my lips sealed any longer. Now remember I couldn’t give it all away, because ratings keep my drive alive, but I will give you a taste of what transpired.

The roommate selection was pre-determined by MTV.

The first roommates to arrive were Alex Rodriguez and Johnny Damon. The two athletes were placed in the east wing of the house and immediately laid down their respective pastel colored sheets and began to strategically place potpourri around the room.

Secondly, Hideki Matsui and David Wells arrived together; the two had nothing to talk about since Matsui’s translator wasn’t invited and Wells, more than likely, was hung over.

Next came Derek Jeter and David Ortiz, ball-club leaders known for their clutch postseason performances. From the beginning, Jeter was weary of Ortiz, deep down he resented that Ortiz was nicknamed “Big Papi.” Big Papi has always been one of Jeter’s favorite nicknames behind closed doors, wink.

Finally, MTV’s most fiery couple arrived, Yankee owner George Steinbrenner and Boston’s captain-idiot Manny Ramirez. They were expected to come earlier, but Steinbrenner wouldn’t let Ramirez on the plane with his hair like it was; forcing Ramirez to find a second mode of transportation.

When the roommates were all settled, the personalities really started to emerge. Jeter had planned a house-warming party that night, but Wells had only picked up beer and cheap whiskey, throwing A-Rod and Damon into temper-tantrums. Without the wine coolers they so desired, they knew their evening would be spent telling ghost stories and painting their nails back in the east wing.

For some strange reason Steinbrenner was not getting along with the Red Sox players. He was only answering to his name if it was preceded by the word Lord, and Ramirez’s hygiene frightened George. But a party is a party and the boss brought his ticker tape.

With A-Rod and Damon safely tucked away in their room listening to Lindsay Lohan, Jeter’s guests began to arrive, all of whom were stunning, and all of whom smacked Ortiz at one point in the night. The buzz was heard far and wide that night because the house was having K-Y wrestling in the basement, though both with different teams, the unsettled feud between Don Zimmer and Pedro would be finished.

Meanwhile, Wells had begun to get through to Matsui. Matsui understood more English than he had originally let on, and Wells was drunk enough to understand him. Wells used his charm to introduce Matsui to the glory of alcohol and the two of them grabbed handles of Beam and hit the beach. Nobody is sure how long their drunken tirade along the coast of Mexico lasted, but it’s for sure if it weren’t for the curse of Montezuma, they would still be at it.

Back in the house things were strangely in control. With enough beer in them, it appeared that Steinbrenner and Manny weren’t too far off, they hung poolside and discussed world conquest. Jeter was contemplating whether Jessica Alba or Scarlet Johanson looked more appealing that night. The victor enjoyed the spoils and the loser got hit on by Ortiz and passed out watching Mean Girls with A-Rod and Damon.

As the night became dawn, certain patterns in the house had already taken form. Ortiz was getting aggravated that he had to sleep in a deck chair because Jeter had taken the room, the sock on the door knob was a symbol that Ortiz was bound to get used to, the real Big Papi was at work. Manny was even more angry when he woke up with a shaved head. Steinbrenner evacuated the house and was replaced by Mariano Rivera.

Later, it was found that Rivera is actually a robot and was being controlled by Steinbrenner from the pool house with David Blaine.

Yes, David Blaine, the ghosts of Yankee Stadium are actually designed by the city’s greatest magician, twa.

The next morning, the cast was supposed to start their new jobs delivering pizza for Papa Moe’s, but instead had to attend Don Zimmer’s funeral. Oh yeah, K-Y got ugly.

Mr. Brennan at Papa Moe’s didn’t penalize any Bronx Bombers, but forced the remaining Red Sox to work consecutive night shifts, only adding to the animosity that existed between the housemates. You’ll see in later episodes what I’m talking about.

It’s unclear how the athletes’ time in the house affected this current season, but if the playoffs come down to the wire, South Padre won’t get in the way of another thrilling Yankee-Red Sox finish.

Ian Gold is a senior in communications. He can be reached at [email protected].