Who didn’t grow up dreaming of becoming a professional athlete? It seems as if somewhere down the road we became derailed, and those damn Mannings got the benefit of the doubt.

How could a family have so much talent? Yes, they have natural quarterback size, but at what point is the Manning family nurture over nature?

Archie was drilling mini-Peyton and mini-Eli for years, and I want the new breed of high profile athletes to come from my gene pool.

There are so many tools that an athlete uses to be great, but in order to engineer the best you must bring them all together. If I am going to live vicariously through my children, I don’t want a Manning or a Michael Vick; I’m going hybrid. As Dr. Frankenstein created his monster from different parts, I’m modeling my young athlete. Splendid!

Feet – Michael Vick – Now you see me, now you don’t. Vick is a specter on the field because of how quick his feet are. Nobody has a burst of speed that compares to Vick’s. In order to train my young athlete, naptime is preceded by dot drills.

Legs – Carl Crawford – This Devil Ray led the league in triples and decided to play professional baseball. Because he had the option of playing either basketball or football. He is fast, scary fast, and speed kills. This speed can be achieved by hooking my third grader up to a wheelbarrow and having him tow – use Handy Snacks for a carrot on a string effect.

Hips – Barry Sanders – No. 20 could shake better than Farnsworth Bentley. Sanders’ running was awe-inspiring and the NFL was robbed when he retired early. With the all-time rushing record ahead of him, he left. His college records might be untouchable. This training is revolutionary, I copyright it: enclose child in confined space and break a bee hive; the moves that will transpire will translate to the gridiron.

Arms – Michael Pittman – He has pipes, and he knows it. Pittman is much better at flexing than he is at running, but you can’t help but be impressed. The sculpting of biceps and triceps needs to start at a very young age; weight the rattles in an increasing fashion. Some of the normal rattle movements will spark muscle growth in your infant.

Shoulder – John Elway – When Elway played baseball he would routinely put balls out of center field; throwing. Elway proved he had a chute with the vortex and was rumored to have created stress fractures in his receivers’ ribs with his passes. Tether stuffed animals to the walls, and the child will work his rotator cuff trying to pull the animal to him.

Hands – Larry Fitzgerald – The Cardinal star catches anything thrown his way. His body control is outrageous, and his hands are sticky. Catching the ball is second nature to him, and his run after catch is already planned out when the quarterback releases the ball. Magician lessons will help to build hand-eye coordination, and if the kid can juggle swords, he can catch a ball.

Head – Peyton Manning – Archie figured it out years ago, but I’m building on the art. Manning has a love of knowledge and studies as hard as anyone. He is football’s version of Plato, with vision to boot. Carefully plan out study time, math first, then football, then English, followed by football again and ending with a little history – of football.

Hands – Dee Brown – The one-man fast break has quicker hands than Aladdin. If you watch some of his steals from last year you have to play them in slow motion to actually see his hands. I am convinced he could be a professional boxer. Train the child from the crib, and hang speed bags from their mobile.

Competitive Drive – Derek Jeter – Any Yankee that can be respected in Boston deserves props. Jeter has never missed the playoffs and almost has a glove of World Series rings. After he retires, No. 2 will be retired in Monument Park. This is where every other piece of advice becomes obsolete. The most important thing is that the child loves the sport. You can watch Jeter and see he loves baseball; the competitive drive will follow.

Now that my Frankenstein athlete is complete, the villagers will try to destroy it. Whether or not I master genetic engineering, it would be one heck of an athlete.

Warning: No humans were hurt during the creation of this column.

P.S. Get ready for Midnight Madness on Oct. 14; Bruce Almighty is calling for a full house!