Dear Santa: Sorry it took me so long to finally make a Christmas list this year. It’s been a busy time, you see, with papers due and finals just around the corner. I’m so glad the semester is almost over.

I’ve been a really good boy this year, Santa. I worked very hard in school: mommy and daddy said if my grades went down I’d be getting an application to community college for Christmas. I was also very nice to my TA’s, even if they didn’t understand me.

I don’t really want any bikes or toys this year. In fact, I don’t even want an Xbox 790 or an icastpodcolorvideothing. Don’t get me wrong – those are cool toys, I just don’t want them this year. So now that I’ve got a couple minutes, here’s a short list of things I do want this year:

1. A bodyguard – Not like the Kevin Costner-Whitney Houston-type bodyguard, either. A bodyguard to protect me from half of campus. Lets just get this straight right now. I didn’t say the Bears were bad, I said they were boring. And you know what? I’d take boring and winning over exciting and losing any day of the week.

You want a statement to get excited about? Kyle Orton is the reason the Bears will lose in the first round of the playoffs, assuming they hold off the charging Vikings to begin with. I’ve seen GPA’s higher than Orton’s passer rating. The difference between a successful playoff quarterback and Orton is that successful QB’s play to win; Orton plays not to lose. If the Bears stick with Orton, they’re signing their own death warrant.

2. A Heisman Trophy – If they’re handing them out to hacks like Reggie Bush, you’d think they were on sale at Wal-Mart. I could use a couple for my desk at home. They’d be great matching bookends, and I think they’d really go well with my six Gold Glove awards you brought me last Christmas.

Seriously, though, the Heisman vote this year was no contest. Bush was by and far the best college football player in America. Even Vince Young would have demanded a recount if Young had won it over Bush. The man was on a different level, and everyone in college football knew it. Saturday night just made it official.

3. Reggie Bush – While you’re at it, I’ll just take Bush along with the Heisman. Who needs a bike when you’ve got six feet and 200 pounds of muscle at your service? I’ll hop on his back and he can carry me to campus. Plus, he’d be great with the ladies. Chicks dig the Heisman.

4. Steroids – Look, I know they’re illegal and being punished heavily, but Santa I’ve got to be on the juice. The other columnists are writing really well on natural ability and I’m just trying to keep up. I’m afraid that if my performance decreases I’ll be replaced by a younger columnist with more “raw talent” because they’re “moving in another direction.” If Alex Sanchez is using, there’s no reason I shouldn’t be. Chicks dig the longball, also.

5. Scott Boras – The guy could get a long-term contract for Michael Jordan – as a baseball player. Boras is one of the best agents in the business, and as I said, I’m just looking for job security. With Boras as my agent, I might even be able to swing an entire pullout section all about me. Stranger things have happened.

If it’s not too much to ask, Santa, I’ve just got one last request. Could you have the Grinch return Christmas to the Who’s, Frosty not melt in the greenhouse and Tiny Tim live to be 100? God bless us, everyone.

Nathan Grimm is a sophomore in LAS. He can be reached at [email protected].