Let’s get one thing straight right now. There are a few things this column will not be. It will not be a recap of Super Bowl XL. It will not tell the heartwarming story of Jerome Bettis coming home to Detroit to win his first and probably last Super Bowl. Nor will it tell of the Pittsburgh Steelers, a mediocre bunch at the halfway point of the season, rallying together to become not only the first six seed in the modern playoff format to reach the Super Bowl, but to also win the game.

It will not contain any number of exciting plays from the night, either. This is including, but not limited to, Willie Parker’s 75-yard touchdown run to start the second half, Ben Roethlisberger’s touchdown dive at the goal line, or Kelly Herndon’s near pick-six.

Basically, not being seen in this column will be anything of or pertaining to the Super Bowl. No stat lines. No MVP’s. No football. Why? I’ve gone public.

That’s right, everyone. This column is no longer about sports-related topics. My popularity has taken precedent over my actual writing. So from now on, all my columns are officially sponsored by the Light Speed Seven razor. Light Speed Seven – because sometimes even six blades aren’t enough.

In the same sort of way, the Super Bowl game has become a sideshow to the distractions going on around it. Between increasingly scandalous halftime shows (Mick Jagger’s shirt belonging on a 10-year-old girl) and increasingly popular Super Bowl commercials, the actual game itself has taken a backseat. And what better year to emphasize that point than the Steelers vs. the Seahawks?

This Super Bowl, unlike others past, had no clear-cut favorite. It saw two teams with pedigrees of futility – the Steelers had been in the AFC Championship and fallen short just a year earlier, the Seahawks hadn’t even won a playoff game since 1984 – facing off, with one team to be crowned world champion.

Actually, by the time the game started, the Seahawks had become underdogs to the six-seeded Steelers.

This is about the halfway point of the column, so I’m contractually obligated to take a commercial break. It’s a giraffe jumping on a trampoline – get it? It’s a metaphor for car insurance. I don’t understand it either. Now we pick up where we left off in the column.

And unlike years past, neither team possessed the kind of game-breaker that could swing the odds in its favor. That’s not to say there was a lack of star power at Ford Field. Tom Brady, continuing his incredible run of Super Bowls taken part in, made the official coin toss to start the game.

Unbeknownst to some, between the commercials they actually played Super Bowl XL. And after two weeks spent in a constant state of uncertainty, analysts and fans alike gathered to watch what happened.

Brady aside, there was no visible edge in terms of dominant players. Shaun Alexander, the league’s MVP, had 95 yards on the game, but no play in particular did anything to give his team the momentum it needed to hang in with the Steelers.

Both quarterbacks looked mortal. Roethlisberger’s 22.6 passer rating actually set a record for lowest passer rating by the winning team’s quarterback. Matt Hasselbeck, Seattle’s starter, fared slightly better, edging Roethlisberger in almost every category except the one that counts – post-game trophy presentation ceremonies attended.

In the end, the game was reflective of the matchup – ugly, but one team had to win. Hines Ward, for his touchdown catch and another catch that set up a touchdown, got MVP honors.

But most likely the talk around the water cooler the next day wasn’t about Ward or any of the other Steelers who held the Lombardi Trophy on Sunday. More probably, the talk centered around secret rotating walls and projectile cell phones. That is, after all, why they play the game, isn’t it?

Nathan Grimm is a sophomore in ALS. He can be reached at [email protected].