I was walking home from the bars the other night and saw a relatively typical scene: a few tiny and weak guys starting to get into a fight. I laughed it off and did my usual if only’s. I usually make my predictions of how and why people like that choose to mouth off, they sure wouldn’t talk trash like Illini basketball’s own C-Boogie – Chester Frazier.

And you know why? Chuck Norris wouldn’t even mess with C-Boogie.

– There is no theory of evolution, just animals Chester Frazier allows to live.

– When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night he checks his closet for Chester Frazier.

– Chester Frazier doesn’t read the Daily Illini, he simply stares it down until he gets the information he wants.

– Stength and conditioning coach Jimmy Price told me that when Chester Frazier does a push up he is not, in fact, pushing himself up but pushing the earth down.

– Chester Frazier doesn’t wear a watch, he decides what time it is.

– Chester Frazier can win a game of Connect-4 in only three moves.

– The opening scene from “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on a dodgeball game Chester Frazier played in the second grade.

– Chester Frazier can actually guard you so tight that it alters your DNA.

– When Chester Frazier takes a shower he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chestered.

– Chester Frazier can believe it’s not butter.

– A picture is worth a thousand words, unless it’s of Chester Frazier crossing someone over, then it’s worth two million.

– Chester Frazier grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his rage.

– There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq being controlled by Saddam, Chester Frazier lives in Illinois and plays for Bruce.

– The show “Survivor” had the original premise of putting people in Ubben Gym with Chester Frazier, there were no survivors and nobody was brave enough to go in and retrieve the footage.

– Some people wear Superman pajamas, Superman wears Chester Frazier pajamas.

– Chester Frazier does not stub his toes, he accidently destroys bedframes, doors, chairs and sidewalks.

– Chester Frazier is currently suing “Myspace” for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

– Chester Frazier does not braid his hair, it huddles together and lies low out of sheer fear.

– Chester Frazier is the only person who can actually e-mail a handcheck.

– If at first you don’t succeed, you are not Chester Frazier.

– The truth will set you free, unless Chester Frazier has you, in which case, “Forget it buddy.”

– Chester Frazier does not look both ways before crossing the street, he simply goes and boxes out any cars that get too close.

– Chester Frazier eats steak for every single meal, sometimes he forgets to kill the cow.

– Most people fear the reaper, Chester Frazier considers him a promising rookie.

– Chester Frazier qualified with a top speed of 324 miles per hour at the Daytona 500 … without a car.

– Aliens do exist, they just know better than to visit the planet that Chester Frazier is on.

– They once made Chester Frazier toilet paper, but there was one problem: it wouldn’t take sh*t from anybody.

– Chester Frazier will never have a heart attack, his heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

– Most people know that Descartes said, “I think therefore I am.” What they don’t know is the quote continues, “afraid of Chester Frazier.”

– Remember the Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chester Frazier wanted his nickname back.

So skinny little trash talking characters on Green Street watch what you say because someone might be listening, and that someone might be C-Boogie. And to all point guards out there: your only defense is retirement.

Ian Gold is a senior in communications. He can be reached at [email protected].