I’m not going to lie. I have my best thoughts in the shower.

No. No. Erase that image.

I mean, if I were to ever figure out the meaning of life, it would be while I’m shampooing my hair. So instead of letting all these pearls of wisdom go to waste, I wrote them down. So hop in, the water’s warm.

• What do the Bulls expect to accomplish by snagging the No. 8 spot in the NBA playoffs? How can you not laugh at the absurdity of a 35-40 team making it to the playoffs and believing they can make it past the first round? The NBA needs a new rule, “If you are under .500, you’re out.”
• The Philadelphia Phillies are 1-4, which is nothing new. But a little known fact is that they are on their way to a very elite title – the first to 10,000 all-time losses. After Sunday’s doubleheader, the Phils have 9,884 losses and counting – 1,206 games below .500.
• Speaking of last place baseball teams, the Yankees are 1-4, so in order to keep with tradition, does that mean it’s now Johnny Damon’s fault? The annual Yankee scapegoat began with Jason Giambi’s steroid scandal which distracted the over-paid team. Then it was Alex Rodriguez, and Randy Johnson. It’s only fair to make Damon the new excuse for Yankee losses. Anybody ever stop to think it might be Karma for the Evil Empire?
• Thankfully, Major League Baseball put the kybosh on advertisements on player uniforms because product placement has already gone too far. It’s hard to read about the Cubs and their new Bud Light Bleachers without laughing. Isn’t this the same fan-base who mocked the White Sox for “Celling Out”?

  What if home plate is brought to you by Home Depot? Or we have the Verizon call to the bullpen? How long before VISA brings us first base? Don’t leave home without it.

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• On Thursday, Torii Hunter was quoted in USA Today, saying, “It’s so obvious what’s going on. (Bonds) has never failed a drug test and said he never took steroids, but everybody keeps trying to disgrace him. How come nobody even talks about Mark McGwire anymore? Or (Rafael) Palmeiro?

  “Whenever I go home (to Pine Bluff, Ark.), I hear people say all of the time, ‘Baseball just doesn’t like black people. Here’s the greatest hitter in the game, and they’re scrutinizing him like crazy.’ It’s killing me because you know it’s about race.”

  When are people going to realize that the media doesn’t work on the race scale, but the grace scale? The formula for the amount of media coverage a scandal gets goes as follows: take how large the fall from grace multiplied by the egregiousness of the offense.

  For proof, let’s take the Bonds case and replace Barry with Coco Crisp. If Coco Crisp were juicing, nobody would give a damn.

  He’d be lucky to attract the attention of the local news.

  But if he were juicing, betting on baseball in Las Vegas while snorting cocaine with a hooker, news choppers would be circling his house. There’s no racism involved, just sensationalism. Then there’s no way he’d ever get his face on a Wheaties box – as ironic as that may be.

• Granted it’s very early, and who knows how long 15-year veteran Jim Thome’s body can withstand the MLB grind, but the White Sox’s gamble is paying dividends already. The Sox might be 1-4, but Thome has two homeruns and five runs.

  n What is Brett Favre waiting for, a message in his Alpha-Bits? The longer he puts off the decision to retire, the more likely it is that things get ugly. It’s about time he came to the same conclusion Green Bay and football fans alike have come to, the Packers will stink next season.

Dan Berrigan is a senior in Engineering and can be reached at [email protected].