While I would love to write about how we should or could beat Ball State this weekend, my editors had other ideas that I didn’t want to pass up.

For those of you who didn’t know – not that I expected you to – David Letterman is a Ball State alumnus. While other former Cardinal students like John H. Schnatter, better known as Papa John, may have had a larger influence on your college life, Letterman is likely better known throughout the country.

And to honor the gap-toothed, late-night wonder, this week I will blatantly rip off the former weatherman’s segment of “Top 10.”

Is it unoriginal? Probably. Will it be funny? If I’m lucky. Will I ask myself questions that I will then answer? Yes.

So, for your reading pleasure, here are the “Top 10 Reasons Illinois will beat Ball State this Saturday.”

No. 10: Illinois has home-field advantage.

While Illinois did lose last week inexplicably to Michigan, it has played extremely well at Memorial Stadium so far this year, dispatching Penn State, Wisconsin and Western Illinois. Michigan may have given the Illini a punch in the crotch last Saturday, but I don’t expect a repeat performance from Ball State this weekend.

No. 9: Ball State’s mascot is a Cardinal.

Louisville. St. Louis. Arizona. All are the Cardinals (in varying sports); all haven’t played anywhere near what their expectations were. Louisville’s best victory this year has come over an up-and-down Cincinnati team. The once-vaunted Brian Brohm and Cardinals’ offense are sputtering without Bobby Petrino. St. Louis, much to my delight, made a late charge only to come up short in the waning weeks of the season. Arizona, well, Arizona just has flat out sucked, much to my chagrin. I needed Anquan Boldin in my fantasy league almost as much as the Cubs need reliable starting pitching.

No. 8 : Ball State lost to Central Michigan.

Not even Minnesota would lose to Central Michigan.

No. 7: Ball State will likely contract Orange Fever.

Knowing how McKinley operates, there will likely be no penicillin in sight, either.

No. 6: Curt Mallory.

Co-Defensive Coordinator Curt Mallory is a former Ball State defensive coach, working with Cardinals’ linebackers and defensive backs from 1995-2000. I’m not saying there’s going to be any funny business, but I can bet that Mallory would love to show that he can outcoach his former employer.

No. 5: Brandon Crawford.

The starting defensive lineman turned 31 – yes, 31 – on Aug. 16, yet he is only a sophomore. I give Crawford credit because his considerable age is due to his service in the Marine Corps before receiving an honorary discharge. That being said, I don’t know if the old timer can keep up with the young Illini whippersnappers.

No. 4: The MAC.

Ball State plays in the MAC. It’s not like Illinois has a history of losing to MAC teams in Homecoming games or anything.

No. 3: Moratorium on all things Ball State, and other things.

Said junior linebacker Brit Miller, “We’re going to stay away from bird watching, we’re going to stay away from David Letterman late at night and just focus all our effort on this one. It’s a big one.”

I didn’t think that the players were avid bird watchers, but I’m just glad they’re giving it up for the week. Thanks, Brit.

No. 2: The Ball State passing game.

The Cardinals’ passing game is good, but their defense is obviously one dimensional. Their leading rusher, MiQuale Lewis, only has 447 yards on the year. Even if the passing offense is good, you can ask any football coach, a one-dimensional offense will go nowhere.

No. 1: Come on, it’s Ball State.

If we lose to Ball State, I don’t think we deserve to go to a bowl game, regardless of its great passing offense. Bowl teams need to beat the teams they are supposed to beat.

Daniel Johnson is a junior in Communications. He can be reached at [email protected].