March is a magical time in the sporting world.

There’s magic in the air, rivalries are heating up, nobody wants the clock to strike midnight, everyone wants a ring …

That’s right, it’s time for the season finale of “The Bachelor”!

Oh, and, uhh, also the Big Ten and the NCAA tournaments will be happening again soon.

If you’re a fan of basketball, competition and hilariously bad television, there’s no better time of the year than March, which combines a bit of drama from all three of these competitions. So what better way to break down the dynamics of the Big Ten heading into postseason play than through the eyes of “America’s favorite show” (according to MVP host Chris Harrison) than by handing out Bachelor comparisons for each team.

Quick tangent: Before you cover your eyes and run away ashamed of my lack of pride, allow me to make a few points to my fellow men out there who might mock watching “The Bachelor.” A few questions: Do you enjoy laughing? Do you and your buddies make fun of stupid things girls say? Do you enjoy attractive women saying and doing stupid things? Do you enjoy watching the same women futilely compete and fail in physical activities? Do you enjoy gambling, drinking and furiously debating whether a kiss was open-mouthed? Do you enjoy all of those things together?

Damn right you do. 

Allow me, then, to give you the greatest gift since that one Christmas when you got a trampoline and a BB gun: The Bachelor Fantasy League. Rules and regulations are explained in the sidebar.

So without further ado, let’s take a look at the contenders for the Big Ten Championship, in no particular order.

Michigan/Desiree — Just like Des, the Wolverines should take home the final rose. They’ve got it all. The looks, the easy-going smile and laugh, the least-awkward conversations. Michigan is the most individually talented offensive team in the country, more so even than Indiana, whose offense is predicated on passing and finding the open man. But something is holding the Wolverines back. It may not be as detrimental as Des’ problems, which include a deranged brother and a troubled past that apparently includes large chunks of times living in tents (which somehow didn’t even get an eyebrow raise from Sean Lowe when he visited the Desiree family mansion — I repeat, mansion — on her home date), but when Michigan’s offense becomes stagnant and overly focused on Trey Burke, it tends to get bogged down.

Michigan State/Catherine — No one saw Catherine coming. Nobody. I nabbed her with my fifth-round pick and neither of my fellow owners made a fuss. At best, I was hoping for a couple cries and maybe an early rose before a mid-season exit. And then all of the sudden — WHAM! — she’s standing there accepting Sean’s final rose. She’s basically the Tom Brady of “The Bachelor.” Michigan State does this routine every year. It struggles to start the season, and we write the team off. They might even falter in the Big Ten Tournament. But come the NCAA tourney, I fully expect the Spartans to make a run to the Final Four. Who knows, they might even somehow end up standing there, accepting a ring, while we all wonder, “Wait, how the hell did we get here?” (I can’t stress how much of an underdog Catherine was. She barely showed up in the first six episodes this season. I don’t think Sean knew her name until about a few weeks ago. She was an 8-to-1 underdog going into the season finale.)

Indiana/Lindsay — This match is solely because Lindsay was unequivocally the favorite heading down the homestretch (and not because Indiana struggles to form complete sentences, hasn’t said anything intelligent all season long and is ready to get married and settle down at 24). Not only are the Hoosiers the favorite to win the Big Ten Tournament, they’ll be a favorite for the NCAA tourney, as well. And just like Lindsay’s most ardent supporters, Indiana fans will be crushed if the Hoosiers finish the year without cutting down the nets (my roommate who rode Lindsay to the cusp of a championship has sunk into a deep depression since the finale). But hey, that’s what happens when you get out of the limo in a wedding dress. Lesson learned.

Northwestern/Jackie — Just kidding. They don’t allow high-schoolers on the show. Or nerds, for that matter.

Wisconsin/Daniela — How did she last until the sixth rose ceremony? Why did Sean keep her around? Did he have any idea who she was? Is it required to have a buzz if you’re on Wisconsin, white and not named Mike Brusewitz? Some mysteries will remain unsolved.

Ohio State/Lesley — Look, I really wanted to give this one to AshLee but her adoption, resulting trust issues, prior marriage at age 17 and exquisite breasts simply didn’t fit the bill. So the Buckeyes get one of the only normal women (which, by Bachelor standards, means she probably only had one tragic, life-altering event in her past that she constantly brings up for sympathy points. I’m convinced half these women are pathological liars.) Like Lesley, Ohio State is quietly one of the hottest teams in the country. Yes, the nose might throw you off initially, but don’t sleep on the Buckeyes as title contenders.

Illinois/Tierra — Calm down. I know, the Illini certainly don’t attract as much vitriol as the widely hated Tierra. But think about the rest of it. They both started hot (Tierra impressed Sean so much in their introduction that he unprecedentedly discounted Bachelor opening-night tradition to give her the first rose within the first 20 minutes. Illinois started 12-0.) before rapidly cooling off (Tierra was immediately hated by the rest of the women. Illinois’ went through a 2-7 start in Big Ten play). They both are unpredictable (Tierra turns on her “sparkle”, no seriously, she calls it that, on random occasions. Illinois is the most hit-or-miss team in the conference) and have qualities they can’t seem to control (Tierra’s oh-my-god-what-is-that-it-can’t-be-her-eyebrow-it’s-moving-on-its-own eyebrow, Brandon Paul’ erratic shot selection.) You wouldn’t have been totally shocked to see Tierra at the final rose ceremony despite her obvious flaws, the same way it wouldn’t shock you if the Illini reached the final of the Big Ten Tournament. But realistically, you’d be a bit crazy to bet on them.

Daniel is a senior in Media. He can be reached at [email protected]. Follow him on Twitter @danielmillermc.