To start this column off, I would first like to extend my apologies to Shaquille O’Neal. I really am a fan and I’m only doing this because I want the best for you. I would also like to extend my apologies to my father, please don’t disown me for ragging on Shaq — hear me out, I have a point.

Now that we’re done with all the necessary formalities it’s time to get down to the punch line: Shaq needs to go away. His time is done and it’s time for Shaq to remove himself from the limelight. It’s for everybody’s good, I promise.

My anger stems from the two emails and one text message I received yesterday. They highlighted the Reebok Shaq Attack shoes, which will be released on my birthday next week — April 19 in case you didn’t know the date. Needless to say, nobody cares about these, Reebok. There just isn’t enough swag to them.

Everyone knows Shaq is awesome, it’s not even worth arguing, but I’ll give you the Cliff’s Notes version anyways. He’s more than 7-feet tall, about 330 pounds, and he owned the paint in the NBA. This was all done while sporting a #shaqtastic personality.

He has four NBA championship rings, one MVP award, three All-Star Game MVP awards, three Finals MVP awards and the list goes on and on. Shaq’s basketball prowess was how he made a name for himself, highlighted by his cheeky grin, arrogant-yet-awesome attitude, and outrageous style. He has a book, five rap albums, multiple TV shows and is even a reserve police officer. There’s no recreating Shaquille O’Neal.

There’s Shaq’s slogans, nicknames and flawless advice. There’s my favorite Shaq quote he says about himself, “I am Superman. And the only thing that can kill Superman is Kryptonite. And Kryptonite doesn’t exist.” As his Twitter bio  says, “I perform random acts of Shaqness.” And the nicknames he has, there’s so many, I question how many of them stuck more than a minute: “The Diesel,” “Shaq Fu,” “The Big Cactus,” “The Real Deal,” “The Big Conductor” and probably a million more we could just make up on the spot.

Shaq built a name for himself during his prime, and became a legend of sorts. There’s enough Shaq stories and debates to keep people talking through an entire basketball series. You know, “When was Shaq the most intimidating in the paint?” “What came first: Shaq or tastic?” “How real is the drama between Shaq and Kobe Bryant?” To name a few.

But for every great Shaq moment there’s a #shaqfail to balance it out. I tried to shrug off the movie “Kazaam” when it was released in 1996, a movie about Shaq the genie that was terrible. I muted my volume when Shaq started his career as an announcer. I looked the other way when his style started getting too obnoxious to handle.  

But it’s hard to ignore the constant Gold Bond commercials where Shaq tells you to not mess with perfection. I can’t help but look at the article about Adam Sandler trying to sneak a glimpse at Shaq’s penis. It’s impossible to miss the booming police officer in Grown Ups 2, a movie we all really should avoid watching. The bad is starting to outweigh the good. And we really don’t want that to happen.

Last week, Shaq’s No. 34 jersey was officially retired  from the Los Angeles Lakers. Shaq was dressed to the nines, a highlight video was played and his jersey was raised with the Superman theme playing in the background. Seems like a good way to go out, right?

Shaq, please do us a favor and let us remember your glory days, not your cheesy grin in a Gold Bond commercial. Everyone will be better for it.

Emily is a graduate student. She can be reached at [email protected]. Follow her on Twitter @EmilyBayci.