It’s coming. Football is on horizon, and you know what that means. Ladies, get ready to cancel Monday date nights with your boyfriends. Don’t expect them to hold your hands in the late church services on Sundays.

And guys, you already know. Amped-up Bud Light ads at every commercial break. Irresistible “bro” bondage when that deep pass connects with seconds on the clock. Yeah, it’s almost that time again, so fire up the laptops, kids.

Fantasy football has returned.

Now, it’s my job to pass along tips and strategies I’ve learned in my five years of playing. That also means that week to week you can check with me to see which players are going to make or break your team. Is Jay Cutler going to throw for 400 yards and 3 touchdowns in Week 4? Will Carson Palmer be the quarterback to get Larry Fitzgerald numbers he hasn’t seen since Kurt Warner? Probably not, but be sure to check in with me — just in case.

Soon, we’ll all be bragging about our draft picks like an overzealous father reliving “the glory days” through his son’s achievements as high school quarterback. We refer to our team as “we”, as if we’re on the same level as the pros. Things will be thrown. Bets will be won. Hearts will be broken.

But before any of that, I’ve got to lay down some ground rules.

I’ve made mistakes (dressing up in a Batman costume and screaming at my floor mates excluded), but fortunately I’ve developed a list — a set of golden rules that tragically mark my failures as a team owner and were created to help you avoid the same fate.

Know how to draft

If this is your first time playing in a fantasy league, congratulations! You still get to experience it for the first time. That doesn’t mean other owners are going to show you mercy if you come into the draft half-cocked, though. If you think grabbing last year’s biggest boot in the fourth round will give you a competitive edge, it’s going to be a long season.

Hit the web, watch some ESPN, and do your research. That way, when the draft wraps up, you won’t be sitting there with two washed-up running backs and the league’s best kicker to lead you to the Promised Land.

Have a plan (and a backup for your backup)

Nothing is worse than sitting down to draft with the first pick and suddenly thinking: “Wait, which of these five quarterbacks are going to get me to the playoffs?” Not knowing Rob Gronkowski is unlikely for the first three weeks could result in a bad pick in the early rounds. Maybe you want Tom Brady, but don’t forget his best receiver is kicking it in Denver these days.

It’s all about having a game plan, and another few in place to back up your first choices just in case things don’t fall in suit.

It’s called preseason for a reason

Too many fantasy owners overanalyze, and that’s to be expected. But the key thing to remember is that you can’t base everything on the preseason. Just because the Cardinals shutout the Packers doesn’t mean their rookie Charles Hawkins is going to catch four for 92 yards every game — or in any regular season game, for that matter.

The point is this: Yes, the starters do play, and these starters will be people you want to look at, but don’t let a loss in the preseason turn you off from a player. Remember, the ‘85 Bears lost three in the preseason, and that didn’t stop them.

Lose the love of the homeland

More than anything else, I’m guilty of loving my home team. I want my Chicago Bears to win — every game, every year. I want Jay Cutler to go for 300-plus yards a game, and I would love for Devin Hester to return to his old ways and start the game with a runback. It’s a perfect fantasy, but it’s not perfect for fantasy.

Not only will you have a tough time winning if several of your players are on the same team, but you are more than likely to end up hating your favorite player for having an off game. In short, if you have three receivers from the same team on your roster, you’re going to have a bad time.

Don’t rely on repeats

In 2010, Philip Rivers threw for 4,710 yards, 30 touchdowns and averaged 294.4 yards per game. In 2012 (the year I drafted him), he threw for more than 1,100 fewer, four fewer touchdowns and only averaged 225.4 yards per game. Simply put, he was not ideal starting material. Sure, he only threw two more picks that season, but it was circumstantial. At the night’s end, he wasn’t the hero I needed.

That said, take caution when drafting this season. While Peterson is probably a safe bet, but I wouldn’t count on him being nearly the stud he was last year. It’s the same deal with Brady, who lost Wes Welker and Aaron Hernandez in the offseason, leaving a wounded Gronkowski and an overrated Danny Amedola in his arsenal.

Just because they’ve spent time in the spotlight doesn’t mean it’s always on them.

Get weird

All in all, this is about having fun, so make it that way. Come up with a clever name for your team. Make it funny. Make it dirty, if you’d like. But above all, keep calm and remember why you’re playing — for the love of football. Heck, we are playing make believe with real life statistics just so you can assert your dominance over your family and friends.

So don’t lose sleep over that fumble. It’s not the end of the world because Brandon Marshall didn’t break the 100-yard receiving mark. Your life won’t be any different in the morning, so don’t sweat it. Your most important job as an owner is to just kick back and enjoy the fantasy.

J.J. is a sophomore in Media. He can be reached at [email protected]. Follow him on Twitter @Wilsonable07.