Hallmark movies are dependably and remarkably god-awful despite having decent production values. For funsies, I decided to watch three of them.
First up is “Eight Gifts of Hanukkah,” one of the only Jewish Hallmark movies to date, in which an optometrist named Sara is sent eight gifts for each night of the Jewish holiday from a secret admirer.
This movie exceeded any human tolerance for cheesiness with the acting and dialogue. As each line is delivered, I find myself becoming lactose intolerant.
The movie, chock full of awkward fade-to-blacks and unremarkable jokes, was also full of uninspired characters. Sara’s only defining trait is really, really liking Hanukkah.
Her love interest, Daniel, is one of the least likable characters, playing the nice guy trope by refusing to express his feelings clearly with words. In true nice guy fashion, he becomes frighteningly angry with her when she doesn’t realize his true feelings.
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The next film is “Angel Falls Christmas.”
The film centers on a similar formula of a small-town workaholic doctor named Ally who has lost her Christmas spirit.
She begins to resolve her Scrooge-like tendencies with the help of Gabe, played by Chad Michael Murray, a guy she has just met who really loves Christmas, and the other strange characters in her town.
The first shot of the movie is bizarre. Maureen, the mystical mentor of all things Christmas spirit, stares down the barrel of the camera lens while saying misplaced fable-esque morals to nearby characters.
All of the members of the town basically force-feed Ally holiday cheer with eerily cultish smiles. Gabe may be the weirdest of them all, delivering every line with the intonation of a soft-spoken carnie.
Honestly, “Angel Falls Christmas” has the ingredients to make a decent horror film if edited correctly.
Last is the 2016 masterpiece “A Wish for Christmas” starring Lacey Chabert, known best from her role as Gretchen Wieners in “Mean Girls.”
This time, a different Sara, who works in marketing and is a complete pushover, makes a wish to Santa to finally stand up for herself after her idea is stolen at work.
She’s quickly overcome by courage and tells off her boss, Dirk, in front of his superior, CEO and love interest Peter. After speaking out in a corporate setting, she somehow still has a job and is unrealistically recruited to go on a work trip with Peter, who has a curmudgeonly attitude about Christmas.
With that stiff dialogue and even stiffer acting, this movie is the film equivalent of a week-old gingerbread house.
As we welcome the holiday season, we remember that among the classics, like “Home Alone” and “Polar Express,” there is also a delightful, more maddening alternative: Hallmark movies.
