Column: Top 10 ways to avoid studying for final exams

By Lane Song

Finals are hard. Do you hate to study? These top ten timewasters will blow away those reading day blues faster than the Administration can raise your tuition. Each technique is guaranteed to be more rousing than a University football game.

1. Hit the Internet. There’s nothing like watching a horse fart in a guy’s face to combat study fatigue. While you’re at it, instant message your friends and tell them how much finals suck so you can waste their time as well.

2. Whine about how crappy/stupid/asinine/hot your professors and teaching assistants are. You might not have learned all that much, but dang, that’s a fine caboose.

3. Take a journey into your inner self. Don’t be afraid to get physical with yourself. Repeat as necessary.

4. Head down to the gun range and grab a hold of the new Smith and Wesson 500 revolver. Each chamber of this .50 caliber monstrosity houses a round three times as powerful as Dirty Harry’s famous .44 magnum. Smith and Wesson touts this gun as “the ultimate game defensive handgun.” For best results, hang a copy of your finals on the target.

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5. Work on your resume. Bonus points if you recalculate your “major” GPA.

6. Call your parents and tell them how unbelievably stressed you were this semester. The least you can do is soften the blow.

7. Update your Facebook account. Maybe, just maybe, Hugh Hefner will hook you up.

8. Watch the Simpsons.

Homer: I learned the real value of college is to study and work hard.

Lisa: No you didn’t. You only passed your course by cheating, which you always taught us was wrong.

Homer: Hmm … true.

9. Head down to the Union to see how hard everyone else is studying. Then grab some free brownies.

10. Read The Daily Illini, your source for hard-hitting, controversial, straight shooting articles.