What makes for a good mascot? Well, a good mascot should say something about the institution it represents. But a good mascot should also be fun and humorous, and include a subtle element of self-mockery. Mascots which take themselves too seriously seem to say that the institution takes itself too seriously. Taking oneself too seriously is very uncool.

So, is Chief Illiniwek a good mascot? Supporters of the Chief can say two things. First, they can say the Chief is comical and fun, and includes the necessary element of self-mockery. If this is the response, though, then critics of the Chief seem to have a valid point about racism. If the Chief is supposed to be humorous and funny, then the Chief seems to imply that American Indians are an appropriate object of ridicule. But if supporters of the Chief deny there is an element of humor or light-heartedness in the Chief, then the Chief fails to meet the criteria for a good mascot. While other universities would have mascots that are comical and fun, the University is stuck with a quasi-religious halftime ceremony in which Illini fans solemnly remember their “tradition” as a white boy, dressed as a Hollywood Indian, does his little dance.

This is very uncool and always will be. Supporters of the Chief should realize this.

At the same time, though, opponents of the Chief should be faulted for failing to offer any compelling vision of a mascot to replace the Chief. They have told us what they are against, but not what they are for. It is as if they visualize a halftime ritual in which Illini fans stand around, sadly gazing at a vacuous space in which the Chief once happily roamed. No wonder there is such resistance to giving the Chief his walking papers.

The key question is not whether the Chief should stay or go: He is too controversial, too damaging to the University’s academic image and, as I said, simply too uncool to stay. The real question is what should replace him.

To answer this question, the University should sponsor a program to explore possibilities to replace the Chief. Instead of debating about whether the Chief should stay or go, the debate should be about which mascot we want among several competing possibilities. With all the creative minds on this campus, we should be able to think up something better than a white boy in an Indian costume – something fun, light-hearted and really tied to University traditions. A cash award for a winning idea could help draw entries.

To get the ball rolling, I will propose my own little idea.

The new University mascot will be named Hal, after the legendary University of Illinois computer in the classic movie “2001: A Space Odyssey.”

This mascot would say something about the University’s excellence in technology and engineering but would do so in a silly, tongue-in-cheek way. Hal would be a bouncing red dot, in representation of Hal’s infamous cinematic red eye.

Instead of a dancing Indian, the halftime ritual will consist of a gyrating red ball. If necessary, the red ball could even be operated by a white boy.

Bryan Warnick

graduate student